Well, today I slept til about 9am which is super late for me. Then about 30 mins later fell back asleep til around 11. This is after staying in bed all day yesterday playing my ps5, which I'm also doing today.
Needless to say this is outside of my norm of waking up around 7am. My head feels fucked, and I just can't use any brain function aside from vegetation via game. I tried talking to my aunt about what's going on with my head. but couldn't verbally articulate my thoughts well enough to be of any help to her with regards to helping me (that was last night after a full day of being out of home base, very exhausted).
I've discussed this quite a bit with my therapist, with regards to getting med adjustment via a couple day inpatient visit to a local behavioral health facility here in town. This is supposed to be the next step if my prn med doesn't help, otherwise this could go on for weeks or months.
If course rest and isolation from stressors is right up there in importance with the prn med. I'm kinda OK just doing nothing in a zero stimulus environment, but leaving my cave as I've had to do a few times in past few days, has made things worse.
The problem is that I have been affected by the stress from my moving and living situation, and have been working outside my comfort zone with my aunt to get my finances and life in order. I'd legit be homeless in addition to broke if she wasn't helping me, but it's taking its toll.
My aunt is now on a joint checking and savings account with me, and is fully managing it for me. I will also be canceling my credit cards. I have to tell her about literally every dollar I spend, and for the first time since divorce I'm on a budget.
Anyways, the latter bit about my finances, that's a big part of my stress and current mental and emotional degradation, and it's not going to just go away.
There's so much overlap between the two that it's questionable to me if they're even separate at all. Both affect the prefrontal cortex and the dopamine reward circuits in similar ways. And the same drugs are often used for both. And #depression or #bipolar is a common side effect of #ADHD.
What's funny about the above diagram is that if you combine both of those circles, you have me on a good day and me on a bad day. Me simply functioning like a normal person? Almost doesn't happen. #depression#bipolar#ADHD
Starting #keto today. I’m kind of bamboozled by the idea of no bread or granola at breakfast. But I have to give something new a go, I feel I can’t go on being so unstable and there’s not much wriggle room in my med regimen #bipolar
My anxiety over the upcoming #weather is not doing very good for my actual #anxiety my #PTSD or my #bipolar I don't have very much in life but I really can't afford to lose anything else and I have no way to make sure everything's somewhat secure and off the floor so when it floods it doesn't get destroyed I'm really tired of stressing out trying to live each day and not getting by and now I got more bad weather to worry about
I sat in a room with my ex and 3 kids and told them I have schizoaffective disorder and we talked about what that means for me and for them.
It went really well, and lots of good questions were asked. Nobody treated me like a serial killer monster took me over.
Psychotic disorders are so stigmatized, and hard to talk about. But I felt like I owe it to all of them to arm them with real knowledge. They know I'm still the same person I was when I had the undiagnosed disorder.
It was hard to do, but also cathartic. I told them that I'm sure they will have questions as they process this on their own, and to go ahead and ask me. I'm trying to be open, doing my part to destigmatize the illness with my kids and their mother.
Also my ex apologized for misgendering me, but said that it's just hard to get used to, and she isn't doing it maliciously, she is trying to get it right. It felt sincere.
I imagine my ex will get some catharsis as well, because there were certainly times throughout our marriage when this illness made things worse. I'm sure she is having plenty of "aha" moments as she processes.
She thanked me for talking to her, in the same room. Up until I took olanzipine for the past month, this was not possible--I couldn't shelf my delusions around her long enough to feel safe talking about anything more than basic child info.
Anyways, I'm sure at some point I'll fall back into psychosis and ruin any good progress that might come of this discussion, but hopefully not.
Just thinking about how my mom and other family all recognize my mental illness now, because they have mothers, brothers, and sisters with mental illness and same symptoms I have. So, suddenly, it's familiar to them.
But, because it's stigmatized, nobody talks about it (except me who talks about it all the time--I know, big surprise right?). But everybody is caught by surprise with me because I didn't appear to be unwell or something? I'm just that good at masking, right? Why are people surprised? Because mental illness is STIGMATIZED. I knew something was wrong with me, but was not safe in my marriage to talk about it and was afraid to seek a proper diagnosis. I started telling my therapist "I think I'm schizophrenic like my grandma" 8 years ago. And I've been chasing a diagnosis to fit me the whole time. Except that any time psychosis comes into the picture, I lied to myself and others because... Stigma. I didn't actually want to be perceived as "crazy" and/or dangerous. I'm not dangerous, I can say that much for certainty.
We need more destigmatization. I know for safety reasons some people just can't. I don't know of many people who talk about it as much as I do, but would be great if more did.
Specifically my dad, two grandmas, and a first cousin, all have/had significant symptoms and diagnoses related to/same as mine, and nobody liked to talk about it. Had they done so, I might have recognized myself, might have gotten help sooner. Keeping secrets did me no favors. My mom said her mom knew since she was in her 20's, and that cost her a marriage, because if my grandpa would have known that her disordered and erratic behavior was mental illness, he would have stayed with her. It was a decades old secret.
I'm going to yell about it until I'm purple in the face, but at least y'all know some of the reasons why by now. And if you have these diagnoses, your children stand a chance of inheriting it, if the environmental triggers come into play, that chance is increased. This is why I WILL eventually talk to my ex and kids about it. It's that important.
Greetings!. The story is a #friendstolovers story about two forty-years old best friends who've known each other since college and who may or may not finally admit that they are in love. Throw in a new guy, an ex-gf, #mentalhealth, and a mutt named Buster and mix it together for a good time! It starts here: https://www.instagram.com/p/C5EjbpySDf9/.
I am awake, with coffee in my veins, nearly mentally and emotionally prepared to continue with the second half of my SSDI 10 page function report.
It's super stressful because it's a pretty important form. But also my therapist and psych have received similar paperwork. My therapist has been working with me for nearly... 8 or 9 years I think (time is a soup) and she knows me better than anybody here in my life bubble, and I trust her to give an accurate picture of my function/lack of.
I've been whinging about the hell I live in having to work, and how hard it is, since the earliest days (the actual work expected from me was minimal and easy, also should be enjoyable because it was related to what i studied in college). So this won't seem like I'm complaining about it out of nowhere--complaining is pretty light descriptor for somebody who has curled up crying and psychotic on the floor of a locked office.
(Side note, I am super distracted and irritated by the starlings nesting in the rain gutter--noisy, tappy, scratchy, clicky. But it won't be my problem in a week)
As a #bipolar woman, receiving the command/wish to smile, however gently phrased and well-intended, feels like an overwhelming burden. It also reminds me of performing for the family business---the ministry. So, let's just say, I don't want anyone messing with my resting face. lols.
"I want you to think about how you would react if another man asked you to smile, especially if you didn't want to. Besides, wouldn't you want a woman to smile at you because she wants to?"
PEOPLE PLEASE HELP I AM HUNGRY, Your prompt response to the nutritional needs of this #disabled#bipolar man living in #poverty, would be greatly appreciated, with your generous contribution I can procure #food and other daily life essentials so that I can eat and take care of myself, please at your earliest convenience please make a loving deposit via https://www.paypal.com/donate?campaign_id=5BN5MB5BVQL22
Hi! I'm Kelsi Lyn Star. I go by she/her pronouns.
Most people call me Star if they met me online. I used to go by xxbabygirlstar or xxSupernovaStar, so Star has always followed me somehow.
Other people call me Kelsi because they either know me IRL or they just wanted something more personal than a gamer tag.
Few people call me Kelsi Lyn.
My dog's name is Daxter. :kelsilHeart: :kelsilAngel: :kelsilParty: :kelsilPlead: He's a rescue I got at 8 weeks old. He's NINE YEARS OLD and I want to freeze him in time before he gets any older. He is my best friend. He is never very far from where I'm sitting... unless someone has food nearby. He's a melon. He's a #mutt too, but I do know he has some Australian Shepherd, Shetland Sheepdog, and Golden Retriever in him.
I'm 30. I'm currently, temporarily living with my parents in #NorthCarolina, following a pretty huge depressive spiral after losing my last job. Otherwise, I live in #Tennessee with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. Apparently I haven't lived there long enough to spell the state correctly yet, spell-check always corrects my dumb ass.
I love to love everyone. I'm a #demisexual#pansexual --basically, if I love you intimately enough, I wanna get in your pants... But my bf and I aren't poly, so sorry, I have to stay out of your pants. Bummer.
I #stream vidya games on #Twitch. (https://www.twitch.tv/kelsilynstar)
I have a schedule (Tues/Thurs/Sat) but I'm just getting back into it after being gone for 4 years, so everything is up in the air, subject to change. Right now, I'm limited to my #NintendoSwitch on my temporary set up, but I do want to branch back out eventually. I swear a lot, and try to keep my community pretty chill and inclusive.
I'm #ADHD & #bipolar (#type2, the shittier, sadder version with less mania) but on pretty reliable meds so I've been pretty damn balanced lately. I am all about talking about mental health and try to learn as much as I can.
And speaking of learning, I love to teach people things I've learned. My last job was a #TechSupport#Trainer for Corsair, but my job got moved to California and I couldn't go with it. I spiraled hard after that because I really did love that job (even if it didn't always love me). But I will still be teaching people anything I know about, because that's just who I am as a person. I try to meet everyone where they're at and share new things with them in a way that makes sense.
I like to talk a lot, but I think I've rambled enough here. Hope to get to know more people, because I'm lonely as shit! No one is a stranger in my book, just people I haven't met yet. Come say hi, I don't bite... usually.
Are you prepared for an audio transformation that will escalate your soul and allow you to transcend the horrors of reality? Immerse yourself in the cosmic rhythms as you take an intergalactic journey through the Manic Sounds of a #disabled#bipolar man today, and let these soundscapes export you to another dimension https://2ndshot.photos/downloads/manic-sounds/