MamasPinkyToe

MamasPinkyToe, 5 days ago to random

I'm doing the "stepping over dead bodies" workout. In preparation for Everest.

MamasPinkyToe, 7 days ago to random

We could rotate the grate so that its bars are perpendicular to a bicyclist's direction of travel, thus solving the problem, or--hear me out--we could post a sign illustrating the problem.

MamasPinkyToe, 12 days ago to random

Boner pills for dogs are just like regular boner pills except they're liver-flavored.

MamasPinkyToe, 12 days ago to random

I ate a whole pepperoni pizza, but I drank ice water, so it's OK.

MamasPinkyToe, 13 days ago to random

Nobody's ever shot someone with a gummy.

MamasPinkyToe, 13 days ago to random

"Chief cook and bottle washer" is actually a sexual euphemism.

MamasPinkyToe, 15 days ago to random

If anybody needs me, I'll be out back with my Theremin, vibing with the cicadas.

MamasPinkyToe, 22 days ago to random

Melania's happy place is not having sex with Donald.

MamasPinkyToe, 24 days ago to random

You've had your fun, fellas. Now give me back my gerbil.

MamasPinkyToe, 25 days ago to random

Most children can be replaced by meerkats.

MamasPinkyToe, 26 days ago to random

When the news is about Georgia enacting "a new law that sets back democracy," you have to stay tuned to learn if it's Eurasian Georgia or y'all Georgia.

MamasPinkyToe, 28 days ago to random

Millie Bobby Brown needs just one more name to really put her over the top.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

I would like to find Jesus's tomb and turn it into an insanely profitable Airbnb.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

New plan: become the Georgia O'Keeffe of sliced ham

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

Between the two of us, Taylor Swift and I have won literally hundreds of awards.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

Office supply stores sell staples and they also sell staple removers. They've got the scruples of an arms dealer.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

I'm here for the orgy. I have a Groupon.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

If you can't take a mental health day, you can at least have a mental health milkshake.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

There's nothing like a Rolex to say I'm a rich guy with a hairy arm.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

I'm drunk with happiness. And I'm drunk with happiness because I'm full of alcohol.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

It was a sweet spring day, and just before they went into bloom you could hear all the almond trees say, "I'm gonna nut! I'm gonna nut!"

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

In Amish country, noun verbeth THEE!

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

If anything should happen to me, you must go to Gort. You must say these words: BARACK OBAMA NIKTO

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

The thing about a "soft close" toilet seat is that you can't slam the lid after taking an angry shit.

MamasPinkyToe, 1 month ago to random

The difference between identical twins and almost identical twins is wood shop.