sixfootcandy

sixfootcandy, 23 days ago to random

Happy to report that I've achieved my goal of annoying my husband twice as much this year!

sixfootcandy, 1 month ago to random

Rule #27 of marriage is clear: Dessert that is mine is only mine; dessert that is his is also mine.

sixfootcandy, 2 months ago to random

An eclipse, but it’s just my pizza box temporarily blocking the refrigerator light.

sixfootcandy, 2 months ago to random

Me: Oh, here's a great place to store this!

Also me: Never finds it again.

sixfootcandy, 2 months ago to random

I couldn't care less about Princess Catherine's Photoshop fail. What truly baffles me is why anyone cares when there are far more important issues to be concerned about.

Part of her daughter’s sleeve is missing? gasp

Get a life. 😂

sixfootcandy, 3 months ago to random

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

sixfootcandy, 3 months ago to random

Someone I know decided to launch a new business based on an idea they stole from me. Guess who just bought up every possible version of the company's domain? 😁

sixfootcandy, 3 months ago to random

One minute you're young and carefree, and the next you're the person who says, "Did you fall in?" when someone's in the bathroom too long.

sixfootcandy, 3 months ago to random

My husband brought home a heart shaped pizza. He's going to get so lucky after I pop some Tums, cut these Spanx off, and his viagra kicks in.

sixfootcandy, 4 months ago to random

One minute you're young and carefree and the next you're saying things like “Has your car always been this low?” “Errands count as going out now” and “That will give me heartburn if I eat it this late."

sixfootcandy, 4 months ago to random

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

sixfootcandy, 5 months ago to random

Me: Did you use my expensive shampoo again?

slow motion hair whip like an 80s Pantene commercial

Husband: “Don't hate me because I’m beautiful.”

sixfootcandy, 5 months ago to random

Husband: Where did the dried up
Christmas tree go?

flashback, to me throwing it into our neighbor's yard

Me: I have no idea.

sixfootcandy, 5 months ago to random

🤔

sixfootcandy, 5 months ago to random

Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays?

Me: I made him an advent calendar.

Therapist: That was thoughtful of you.

Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.

sixfootcandy, 6 months ago to random

Husband: choking on a Dorito

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

sixfootcandy, 6 months ago to random

Husband: Would you like me to bring you coffee in bed?

Me: Only if you want to.

What my husband heard: Only if you want to live.

sixfootcandy, 6 months ago to random

Holiday shopping is easy when you don't like anyone.

sixfootcandy, 6 months ago to random

A threesome but it’s just me and two different pieces of pie.

sixfootcandy, 6 months ago to random

[hiking]

Other people: Take a picture of me climbing this mountain!

Me: Take a picture of me pointing at this rock!

sixfootcandy, 10 months ago to random

Me: I wouldn't trade my husband for anything in the world.

Friend: How about a year of free donuts?

Me: Where should I drop off his clothes?

sixfootcandy, 11 months ago to random

I miss the days when I could impress someone by typing 5 8 0 0 8 on my Nokia flip phone.

sixfootcandy, 1 year ago to random

The only thing worse than someone trying to convert you to their religion is a morning person trying to convert you into becoming one of them.

sixfootcandy, 1 year ago to random

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.