StefanThinks

StefanThinks, 3 days ago to random

“You gotta buy me dinner first!” - Me, explaining to my friend who mistakenly thinks I am obligated to pay for his meal because of an arrangement where he paid for mine the last time

StefanThinks, 4 days ago to random

I have realized that my desire to put important things in places I won't forget and my philosophy that any approximately horizontal surface is an acceptable table are at complete odds with each other.

StefanThinks, 4 days ago to random

I am going to update my review of the movie Bucket List. 0 stars. It’s been 17 years and neither Morgan Freeman nor Jack Nicholson have died yet, FAKERS.

StefanThinks, 5 days ago to random

Moose Cop? I haven't heard that name in years. But I'm sure he's out there.

StefanThinks, 5 days ago to random

Olive Garden, it's like family, you come up with excuses to avoid visiting as much as possible.

StefanThinks, 5 days ago to random

Kid: Mom, I want to go to Wienerschnitzel!

Mom: We have hot dogs at home.

Kid: Yeah. You’re right, they're probably better, too.

StefanThinks, 6 days ago to random

Foil: passe cliche.

Me: different!

StefanThinks, 6 days ago to random

Me, at a garage sale: How much for the InfoWars?

StefanThinks, 6 days ago to random

Me: Where the freaks at???

Freaks: [assessing my attractiveness and then deciding they don't identify as freaky in this scenario]

StefanThinks, 6 days ago to random

This might come as a shock, but I'm no stock market guru. All I know is that it's 50% wizardry and 50% money laundering.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

I’ve started rating Michelin tires to turn the tables on them. So far, I give them all 0 stars, but I will give them that they do taste better than Red Vines.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

Male birth control? Are you talking about a fedora?

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

Sexually suggestive content? All content is sexually suggestive if you're thirsty enough. Don't underestimate the power of horniness.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

Saying something is NPC behavior is NPC behavior.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago (edited 3 days ago) to random

If I were a boss, as a joke, I would use sports analogies and invite people to kick-off meetings and then tell them I was kicking them off the team.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

I have a really good idea for a novel but it would probably save time if I just paraphrase it in a few sentences and you tell me it’s clever.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

Me: Wow, that online ad was right! This lamp really did boost my productivity by 99.99%!!!

My boss: I’ve given you too many extensions for missing the project deadline, I have no choice but to let you go.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

I am available to mentor if you are interested in growing your social media followers to dozens and consistently getting 1-2 likes/post.

StefanThinks, 7 days ago to random

The Tesla Cybertruck, rated #1 by J.D. Power & Associates for Embodying the Ponzi Scheme.

StefanThinks, 8 days ago to random

Keep honking, I’m crying and the feeble and infantile noise your horn makes cheers me up.

StefanThinks, 8 days ago to random

post hop 🥰🥰🤯

StefanThinks, 8 days ago to random

I'm a career wife guy because I abhor the interview process.

StefanThinks, 8 days ago to random

Sorry I left you on read. I can't read!! There, I said it, are you happy now???

StefanThinks, 8 days ago to random

A banana milkshake? From McDonald's? Nice try, false flaggers.

StefanThinks, 8 days ago to random

You can trust me with your secrets. I don't even remember my own. Except for which gas station has the best corn dogs, I'm taking that one to the grave.