UnFitz2

UnFitz2, 8 months ago to random

I’m always breaking things like dishes and promises.

UnFitz2, 8 months ago to random

Unlocked my phone with my face and it critiqued my eyebrows and told me I look tired.

UnFitz2, 8 months ago to random

“Circumstances beyond our control” might refer to the nature of the circumstances, but also might reflect upon our own capacity for control.

UnFitz2, 8 months ago to random

I don’t make decisions until I’ve thoroughly overthought them through.

UnFitz2, 8 months ago to random

I’ll have one ceremony, hold the pomp, extra circumstance.
To go.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

receives mail-order bride
ends up just playing with the box

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

“Fair is fair.”

• someone who enjoys redundancy and can’t be bothered to provide actual definitions

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

I don’t want to set the world on fire…
I just want to start
A flame in your car…

• several of my exes

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

Go out for milk.
But just keep driving.
Cross the state line.
Take the back roads.
Keep going until you reach an ocean.
Pick a new name for yourself.
You forgot your asthma inhaler.
You have concert tickets.
And an eye doctor appointment.
You didn’t think this through.
Turn around, dummy.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

Had to correct my kid when he said “a bazillion.” That’s not a real number.

Everyone knows it’s a gajillion.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

Are you vaping in that car or did you just elect a new pope in there?

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

🎵Despite all my rage I’ve just reached retirement age🎵

Hi, Billy Corgan here to tell you about the many benefits of AARP.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

I’m in favor of separation of church and me.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

It’s spelled “atheist,” not “athiest.”

Just take it on faith.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

Me: I hate math.
Brit: It’s “maths.”
Me: But I love sports.
Brit: It’s “sport.”
Me: …
Me: Who put you people in charge of English?

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

I could use a change of scenery.

moves from couch to bed

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

Free speech has its limits. If you shout “Theater!” in a crowded firehouse they spray you with the hose.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

People who knock white chocolate because “It isn’t real chocolate,” I ask you:

Are hamburgers made of real ham?

Be careful. Your argument is a slippery slope.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

After careful deliberation and deep, thoughtful analysis, I made yet another poor decision.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

Scientists aren't sure where to find the center of the universe.
They must not have seen you pointing frantically at yourself.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to photography

#photography #naturephotography #butterfly #telephoto

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

I married a Venetian because love is blind.

UnFitz2, 9 months ago to random

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

UnFitz2, 10 months ago to random

Well well well. If it isn't my old nemesis, 2:34AM. And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Skepticat, 10 months ago (edited 10 months ago) to random

~ unless the other side of that book says "a Mockingbird," I suspect I've stumbled upon Disney After Dark.