@Alice@beige.party
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Alice

@Alice@beige.party

Mostly one-liners at my own expense

Awkward AF

Midwest to West Coast

Photos on Pixelfed: @Alice

♾️

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Alice, to random
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Of course I named my daughter Jacuzzi because that's where she was conceived.

Alice, to random
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Hello, fellow JoWordle players! I recently lost a game of JoWordle and @JoParkerBear let me know that we should NOT submit our results when this happens because it actually DEDUCTS points.

I thought I was just being honest by being like "I lost, but I’m reporting it to be fair" but it's actually a bad thing, so don’t do that.

tl;dr only report your JoWordle score if you actually solve it!

If you're not already playing JoWordle, you can do so here:
https://word.rodeo/jowordle/

Alice, (edited ) to random
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Most call it sexual tension, but physicists know it's actually sexual weight plus mass times acceleration.

Alice, to random
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I've been reading all about the concept of infinity and I feel like it's never going to end.

Alice, (edited ) to random
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Maybe conservatives would be okay with abortion if they knew that all fetuses start out female.

Alice, to random
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Welcome to the future where we have the technology to create replacement organs and we will keep them running for as long as you continue paying your recurring subscription fee!

Alice, to random
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Some people like butts and others like boobs but my thing is Stonehenge because I’m into ruin porn.

Alice, to random
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I love listening to commercials in different languages where they abruptly switch to English mid-sentence to state the name of the American company, product, or service.

[intentional gibberish to not single out any one language]

"Lo se duetto mit freunden oder il campo j'aime le chaton und CHASE SECURE BANKING en su comida."

Alice, to random
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Beta blockers are fine, but I'd prefer an alpha blocker.

Alice, to random
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I just found out that the glass on my microwave door slides out so now I can talk to my pizza rolls while they're cooking.

Alice, to random
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I’m naughty by nurture.

Alice, to random
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When I was in high school, I REALLY wanted to take Photography but there was an additional materials fee and my parents couldn't afford it so I took Wood Shop instead.

As a result, I have a completely uneducated eye when it comes to taking photos and I'm probably breaking a lot of rules that I don't care about, but at least I can make an ugly clock out of a 2x4.

Bad photos can be found here:
@Alice

Ugly clocks are coming soon to my Etsy shop.

Alice, to random
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It's not fair to make fun of the Cybertruck because those things are going to look cool AF when they're all crushed and stacked in a junkyard by the end of next year.

Alice, (edited ) to random
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My housekeeper is coming in an hour so I just finished deep cleaning my entire home to ensure she doesn't know that I've ever peed in my toilet or spit toothpaste into my sink.

Alice, to random
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Modern-day dystopian version of the old game show called "You Bet Your Life" where you answer a question and if you get it right you get a million dollars and if you get it wrong you get executed on stage.

Alice, to random
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I didn't have O71 on my bingo card.

I guess this means you win again, Gertrude.

Alice, to random
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If little red riding hood is dumb enough to mistake a wolf in a nightgown for her grandma then she deserves everything that comes to her.

Alice, to random
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Fuck, marry, kill with Looney Tunes characters...

Tasmanian Devil
Tasmanian Devil
Tasmanian Devil

Alice, to random
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My degree is in Geology, in the event you were wondering how fun I am to be around.

Alice, to random
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A penny for your thoughts? In this economy?

Alice, to random
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I feel bad for the kids of today because their music is so terrible when my youth was full of high quality songs such as:

Ass-n-Titties
Buttermilk Biscuits
and
It's Time for the Percolator

Alice, to random
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Thinking about reverse catfishing people by using photos of a fisherman.

Alice, to random
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It's your turn to check on the baby.

Alice, to random
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It's kind of out of character for me to post a link to an Instagram reel, but this is my friend Brooke and she's hilarious and I think this video describes a lot of us so I wanted all of you to see it.

It's also captioned if you're not in a position to play audio.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7nSBarx4Vv/?igsh=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

Alice, to random
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Who's gonna be the one who wakes up Trump to tell him about the guilty verdict?

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