@Alice@beige.party
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Alice

@Alice@beige.party

Mostly one-liners at my own expense

Awkward AF

Midwest to West Coast

Photos on Pixelfed: @Alice

♾️

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Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Of course I named my daughter Jacuzzi because that's where she was conceived.

Alice,
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Jacuzzi is my daughter's middle name. Her first name is Motel 6.

Alice,
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@Dennis 🤣 Thank you for reminding me about this terrible comic.

https://beige.party/@Alice/109847830746833051

Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Hello, fellow JoWordle players! I recently lost a game of JoWordle and @JoParkerBear let me know that we should NOT submit our results when this happens because it actually DEDUCTS points.

I thought I was just being honest by being like "I lost, but I’m reporting it to be fair" but it's actually a bad thing, so don’t do that.

tl;dr only report your JoWordle score if you actually solve it!

If you're not already playing JoWordle, you can do so here:
https://word.rodeo/jowordle/

the_etrain, to Bloomscrolling
@the_etrain@beige.party avatar

Any idea what I've got here? I don't remember planting this.

Wider view of the plant itself

Alice,
@Alice@beige.party avatar

@the_etrain The thumbnail of the wider view looked like a marijuana plant and I thought you were messing with us, but I low-key love the idea of a quaint suburban house with some nicely planted flower beds and then there's a big marijuana bush just hanging out in the middle for fun.

Alice, (edited ) to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Most call it sexual tension, but physicists know it's actually sexual weight plus mass times acceleration.

Alice, (edited )
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Whenever anyone mentions any sexual tension they feel between us, I let them know that what they're feeling is actually W + m*a and the sexual "tension" immediately goes away.

Alice,
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Updated the formula for upward tension because I think that more accurately applies to sexual tension.

Alice,
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Initially, I considered it to be downward tension because I am both short and a woman.

Alice,
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@Kierkegaanks There are sexual mechanical springs in this pullout couch, babe.

GrimmReality, to random
@GrimmReality@beige.party avatar

We all have our own ways to make Italian subs so I can't tell you mine is THE way to make Italian subs but I hope we can all come together and agree that the final step of making an Italian sub is smashing.

Alice,
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@GrimmReality Interesting take because it's usually the Italian doms that make me wanna smash.

(Shoutout to my boy, @DemocracySpot)

Alice,
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@GrimmReality @DemocracySpot You can't talk about Italian sub sandwiches and not expect me to get hornt.

Alice,
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@GrimmReality I learned it from watching you!

Alice, to random
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I've been reading all about the concept of infinity and I feel like it's never going to end.

Alice, to random
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Some people like butts and others like boobs but my thing is Stonehenge because I’m into ruin porn.

Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

I love listening to commercials in different languages where they abruptly switch to English mid-sentence to state the name of the American company, product, or service.

[intentional gibberish to not single out any one language]

"Lo se duetto mit freunden oder il campo j'aime le chaton und CHASE SECURE BANKING en su comida."

Alice,
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@CoachMark Yesss!

La soirée de hockey de ce soir est commanditée par BALLPARK FRANKS.

Alice,
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@gettingcomputey Oh shoot. How is IKEA supposed to be pronounced?

Alice,
@Alice@beige.party avatar

@gettingcomputey Fascinating! It sounds like the Swedes at least have hope for the British people to learn the proper pronunciation of what is apparently ee-kay-uh whereas they have given up all hope on us dumb Americans and are like fine just say eye-kee-uh you basic dingdings.

Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Beta blockers are fine, but I'd prefer an alpha blocker.

Alice,
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Because fuck those bros.

Alice, to random
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Welcome to the future where we have the technology to create replacement organs and we will keep them running for as long as you continue paying your recurring subscription fee!

Alice,
@Alice@beige.party avatar

@everyday_human Kind of, but this is specifically about subscription models which are way worse in my opinion.

Alice, (edited ) to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Maybe conservatives would be okay with abortion if they knew that all fetuses start out female.

RickiTarr, to random
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Finally, a gentle way to sweep my kittens!

Alice,
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@RickiTarr I don’t wanna reply guy but reply guys gonna reply guy...

That is NOT made for sweeping up kittens. The "kitten soft" part is just to let you know that it is soft because the brush is made from kittens.

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