Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 186 , Thursday 02/05/2024
So I’ve been feeling ruff as a bears bum for a few days now (again , you would think more regular exercise would take me the other way 🙄) so I planned to try and sleep thru to 8ish. I put in my ear plugs & set the alarm accordingly.
I was awake at 05:50 … a mix of my traitorous body responding to its Pavlovian training & the noise of herself romping round the house like baby elephant , in that considerate way she has.
So here I sit, my brain is moving at glacial speeds & my body feels like a train hit it.
At least she’s in the office today, so a day of peace & quiet!
I hate how little I am able to do at the moment , either thru illness or depression stealing my motivation.
Sometimes I wish I had a child , or a dog - they seem to be highly motivational from what I can see from the lives of others who have them.
I would be a terrible father or dog owner though , so probably best all round that I avoid both .
Oh while I’m on a roll I WISH my tinnitus would give me a break! It’s been screaming so loud in my ears for days now!
Where to go next on my ASD journey has been on my mind for a few days, the GPs completely negative reaction last time I went to see him has ripped me asunder. Where I had a set path now I flounder in indecision. I guess I have to decide if I need to be able to function better in society , or whether I just stick 2 fingers up at society & return to being a hermit.
Had a really epic FO4 session today after I finished my chores & then when Mrs S. got home we went & did our civic duty & voted - me being plagued by dizzy spells, nausea & exhaustion on the walk there and back & her being plagued by her dodgy knee ! We made a right pair, I think the thing that holds our marriage together at the moment is the need for mutual physical support , together we make a whole working person !
Caved & watched the first episode of Fallout - I’ve missed a couple of the games so I don’t know just how true it is to the earlier games, but I (& surprisingly Mrs S.) enjoyed it , so yeah, roll on ep 2 !
Final Thoughts.
Others write of monumental achievements , of beating challenges , or of coping with pain or personal circumstances that would reduce a normal person to jelly. I wish I were that strong.
I defo have EDFitis again , & it seems as though it’s gonna take its own sweet time to pass. Bummer !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 162 , Monday 08/04/2024
TL:DR My mother warned me there’d be days like this ! (Not really she never knew I was autistic .)
Up at 5:45am, not by choice I might add!
Breakfast, being abused by the mogs & then chores started the day.
It’s really weird what triggers me.
So our new neighbours across the street from us (who I have met 1 half of (Bev) once ) asked us to be key holders while they are away for 2 weeks . Which is fine.
Me being me started doing the job properly & popping over of a morning & of an evening just to check it was all locked up.
Just went over (circa 10am) & did my checks & it turns out they have a Ring doorbell.
I’m walking away & this voice shouts out ‘Hello?’
Long story short, it turns out it’s Ian , Bev’s hubby (who I have yet to meet) wondering why I’m wandering around the property. I explain & it’s all good.
Only it isn’t … I feel like I’ve been caught burgling the place , anxiety levels are thru the roof & I’m close to closing down as I write this.
It has destroyed the whole morning - I KNOW this is illogical, I KNOW I’m catastrophising but I cannot shake the feeling I have done something wrong !
I don’t want to feel this way again so I will be giving the place a once over from our front door for the duration.
So spent the afternoon on ESO hiding away form the world !
Final Thoughts.
I always thought the catastrophising was a function of my depression , now I’m not so sure. I do know that social interaction with anyone I don’t know freaks me out.
Humaning is hard - am Squirrel !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Alexander G. Bell will be turning in his grave ! ; My friends must think I’m a screw loose! ; Don’t bring that slide rule any closer ! ; The inner child in me is excited as anything!
I really need to remember to write this thru the day. Given that I managed to lose my AirPods precisely 2 feet away from my head doesn’t exactly bode well on the memory front 🙄🤦♂️
I found today that my aversion to using the phone is seriously deeply seated!
I really wanted to speak to a really close friend today, but could not. I lost my airpods as mentioned above & my autistic self told me that my friend would judge me (as I had txted them about the loss) & refused point blank to use the phone to speak to them.
I was perfectly fine texting them, but speaking to them was out of the question !
Just had a bun fight with someone who misread a toot & then argued with a coder & claimed that coding wasn’t easy & absolutely needed a high degree of maths capability. Hmmmmm.
All I can say is my 13 year old Niece can run mathematical rings around me & ,for me at least, programming isn’t that hard. Except Assembly Language, which was created to punish programmers who wouldn’t eat their greens !
Oh and I’m sharing TLs with @ niamhgarvey@mastodon.ie! 😊 does slightly excited little dance (I de-tagged her because I don’t wanna flood her TL with my nonsense!)
Well I think that proves both the inner child in me is alive & well & that the bit in the Triad of Impairment about not comprehending correct social behaviour holds true for me!
Final Thoughts:
Conquering my ND tendencies may prove harder than I thought, who’d have thunk that speaking on the phone with a dear friend would be harder than actually meeting them face to face? (They live 500 miles away so no real chance of that in the foreseeable future 😔)
I wonder if one of my autistic ‘super powers ‘ is the ability to code without any competence in Maths ?
Hey is my inner child ND too ?
Thanks to all my friends on here & all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR My time management sucks ! ; I knew the positive streak was too good to last ! ;I’m totally focused . . “oh look , squirrel!’
Busy day today.
Up at the usual time, but mixed chatting with my bestie with a little NMS to try & get the Expedition moved fwd.
I’d like to say that I jumped to the whole ASD stuff after breakfast, but I’m back to being well enough for the game addiction to be present so lost another hour to that 🙄🤦♂️
I spent the morning fighting with the scanner to persuade it to scan the ASD Informant reports in & then collate them into the right order , came close to just chucking the thing out the window !
Spent a couple or 3 hours this afternoon playing NMS co-op , enjoyed it enormously , although did feel guilty that I had failed on concentrating on the ASD stuff left to do!
Late afternoon into this evening was spent summarising up my educational & employment history, boy have I done a lot of stuff ! I could have done without being reminded that 2012 was the last year I was able to work due to a massive MH breakdown.
A call with the elder of my sisters was a nice way to end the day.
Final Thoughts:
I rediscovered why I don’t work anymore, having fought with a mix of the technology , my stubbornness to cough up to renew our MS 365 sub. & reminders going off left right & centre for stuff I had put on a back burner for today , I was thoroughly frustrated with everything by the time my Sister rang this evening, to the point where the cats & Mrs Squirrel had vacated the immediate vicinity and various pieces of tech were in severe danger of being lobbed across the room!
I don’t do defeat, I do however work on the basis of a deadline to force me to do stuff, which then leads to frustration if stuff goes wrong!
To thoroughly misquote Yoda ,“Frustration leads to anger , anger leads to hate , hate leads to the dark side ! “
Tomorrow morning will absolutely have to be dedicated to finishing this flipping ASD Self assessment report !
I can prevaricate for England it seems !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 132 , Friday 08/03/2024
TL:DR Walking is on the way to becoming a daily thing. I realised today that folks I have told about being ASD are avoiding me !
Overslept this morning , managed to catch herself in passing as she left the house to go to the office.
Is it the sign of a healthy relationship that we see each other for about 3 hours a day, even when she’s working from home.
Went for a walk again today - got a new ‘short’ route to go fwd with. At 2.5km - about 4500 steps - it’s not dead long but there is a mix of terrain & some steep bits so it’s not a bad route at all. It should be fairly picturesque in the right conditions (so long as I look away from the new new housing estate! )
I have discovered something disconcerting, not upsetting per-se but defo disconcerting.
With the exception of the lovely Peeps on Mastodon, most of the older people I have told about my ASD have not been in touch since I told them.
I know a number of people on here are actively resisting assessment because of the fear of stigmatism but that has never been a problem for me (& still isn’t ). I am surprised at the fact that (in the case of my Uncle & Aunt & my Dad) folks that have known me literally all my life now want even less to do with me than they did before.
I’m a loner, always have been (with the exception of herself) , so never been that close to my family , certainly not since I moved away from my parents, but to not hear from any of the seniors (or indeed my friend across the road , who I told a few weeks ago) is, as I say, disconcerting.
Despite others reactions I am steadfast in my resolve to get a proper diagnostic assessment ,I NEED to know . Bollocks to what others think. If they think that I am suddenly different because I know why I am the way I am then that is on them!
Watched ‘The Godfather’ for the very first time (yes I know ! ) I can see why it is something of a cult movie.
Got Parts 2 & 3 on my movie radar.
Managed to squeeze in an hour or so of NMS in, wanted to finish Phase 2 of the rerun of Omega but got distracted , so I now have objectives in every phase complete , but only phase 1 completely finished.
Watching ‘Silent Witness’ with the help of a couple of pints of cider & a pizza.
Final Thoughts:
We like to think that 2024 western civilisation has reached the point where things like mental health stigmatisation are in the past. Sadly this is not the case.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 170 , Monday 15/04/2024
TL:DR
Up at quarter to Oh My Gawd (aka 05:45) this morning goit brutally abused by a super wet cat who came charging into the kitchen from out of the rain !
The day progressed as normal until about 10:30 when I worked up the nerve to chase EDF over the fact that rather than billing us for a month , as I expected they billed us for 2 weeks - just because !
I spoke to a nice lady who promised to sort it out & call back within about 20 minutes - still waiting at 8pm !
Went onto the web page & it seems they have cancelled all this years bills & (ignoring the fact that we have paid up to date as of the march bill ) want to charge us for the whole year to date - AGAIN !
I’m going to sort out this current billing crisis then up sticks & move to Octopus, who appear to be the least bad option currently.
Watched ‘The Bounty’ this afternoon to try & help me forget EDF for a while !
Succumbed to the temptation of pizza for tea , I needed comfort food !
Final Thoughts.
Please Nuggan don’t let this think with EDF drag on like it did last year , it might break me permanently if it does !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 174 , Friday 19/04/2024
TL:DR Friday - happened ! ; went for walkies; dizzy spells have returned 🙄🤦♂️ ; super clean extraction fan !
Morally corrupt energy companies & PMs !
Friday dawned bright but with the threat of rain on the horizon. With this firmly in mind I leapt semi athletically out of bed , hobbled downstairs , sorted breakfast & got ready to venture forth.
The clock had barely registered 7am when I braved the cold & romped into the great outdoors.
I have to say our hill is a killer ! It’s not massively steep (at least not until you get near the top) but it is a constant gradient for the first 500m & I always know how fit I am by how fast I climb this initial stage & how knackered I am when I reach the road that runs at right angles to ours. Currently I am not very fit at all !
I kinda speed walked the first Km as I wanted to avoid the impending downpour , & as I was ahead of schedule I tagged on an extra few metres to prove I was making progress.
Back home again I hung the laundry out & tidied up after herself. She was in the office today so peace reigned supreme!
I really wasn’t feeling like joking the human race this morning so I lurked at the edge of the Fediverse while watching 2010 - the sequel to 2001 A space odyssey.
I went wild after lunch & cleaned the bathroom extractor fan - a job that has been delayed by MH & physical health issues. I nearly came to a bad end today when a dizzy spell caught me on the way down the ladder.
Yes sadly a mix of last weeks EDF conflab & todays attack on those suffering from MH issues by the UK PM has set my dizzy spells off again. By happy coincidence the ENT consultant my GP referred me to called for an update today , she reckons a trip back to the cardiologist is a really good idea - if my GP can get their finger out !
I felt more myself late this afternoon & ploughed headlong into my TL , much fun was had by all involved !
I am awaiting the result of a poll to see if I should have a name change even as I write this .
Final Thoughts.
Flipping EDF - their morally bankrupt behaviour is even now affecting my life !
I find the folks in the Fediverse a constant source of wit & support , luvs yer all !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR A day of 2 halves, a day where my relationship with my father changed forever.
This is not an easy read - peruse at your own risk.
Up at 4 as usual , chatted with CDP 🧚♀️ ,then this old squirrel fell back to sleep - it being Sunday n all
My Dad and sister were due over today so my Dad could complete the ASD assessment Informants questionnaire.
We had some unexpected snow so a quick conflab with the parent & we agreed that the visit should be ok.
Tidying up the house , getting washed / changed took up the morning then headed out early because of the snow.
We met at one of our favourite eateries & had a delicious lunch , I had my first turkey dinner of the season & it was delicious.
The drive back was mildly interesting due to the white fluffy stuff but nothing too serious.
We topped my Dad up with a cuppa & biscuits & presented him with the questionnaire - all 16 pages of it !
I emphasised that it needed to be as thorough as possible because a ASD diagnosis can be difficult without childhood details.
About an hour later he finished .
My sister & my Dad left about 4pm to get home before the snow got heavy again. We said our goodbyes etc & they were gone.
I then read thru the answers my Dad have put down …
17/47 questions had no answers , 7 were ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers to open questions.
Apparently the only thing he remembered of me as a baby was that I didn’t sleep well.
Apparently my only strengths as a person are : IT Work & Computer gaming !
I wasn’t expecting war & peace but the total lack of information in answers that ranged from my birth to the present day, via my pre-teen & teenage years was disappointing to say the least.
I am gonna have to approach other family members to see if they can pad this out!
We’re watching Fargo, for about the 4th time, it’s moderately amusing & involves a lot of snow …. hey there are worst ways to pick a movie!
Mixed nuts & alcohol are helping me cope with being such an important part of my Fathers life that in answer to the question “Can they feel empathy” was blank.
Final Thoughts:
I realise that I have not been a model son, I am no great academic , artist , musician or physician. Shit I can barely hold my own in the IT world. I had thought that my own low opinion of myself was just me , but it appears that my father has an equally low opinion of me, so much so that I barely register.
My diagnosis has suddenly become much less likely, since childhood details are fairly key apparently!
I am Squirrel, because being human is far too fecking hard !
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
TL:DR Sunshine! ☀️😁; walkies, water & what the hell is wrong with my back! In that order! ; Besties are the bees pyjamas ! 🤗🥰 ; 7500 steps towards Project WOOF are not to be sniffed at !
Today was a better day, getting up at 4am is becoming easier, settling into a pattern:
A quick trip to the smallest room is followed by a romp downstairs.
Having fought off & subsequently released the 2 Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts of Traal (aka Sophie & Alice mogs) tea is brewed & poured .
Breakfast crockery is laid out & then off back to bed.
I settle down to drink tea & chat with CDP 🧚♀️ as she returns from the gym & then sorts herself out for the day ahead.
Arwen is a lot better today so CDP 🧚♀️ is a lot happier ! 😊
This has a definite positive effect on me 😊
Mrs Squirrel is off into the office today, & in a fit of generosity & downright bravery in facing down my acrophobia, I offered to give her a lift to the edge of the city where she catches public transport into the city centre.
On the way home I stop off at one of the many reservoirs in our area & attempt to do a favourite walk around it’s shores.
7500 steps later I’m a fairly happy bunny, Project WOOF has progressed, it was a glorious walk around the reservoir, with the sun shining & no breeze to speak of.
Then I try to get back in the car & discover that somehow I’ve knackered my back !
A decent amount of intense pain across my lower back leaves me wondering how the hell I’ve managed to bugger it again!
Once home, chores are done , spine complaining wildly all the while!
A fairly healthy lunch of a tangerine & (honestly) a few handfuls of mixed nuts , washed down with corporation pop are followed by a nice long phone call with my Bestie! 😊
Who entirely fails on the ‘sympathy for the afflicted’ front! Words like ‘old’ & ‘decrepit ‘ were flung about in hilarious abandon. To be fair I did not disagree or discourage this because I was laughing too much. 😂
Once my dear friend had gone to bed I found myself not only at a lose end , but a painful lose end , so did what any right minded person would do & cleaned the bathroom. This may have been a straw too far if you get my drift…. sod breaking a camel’s back , mine exploded & suggested resting may be in order.
The rest as they say is history, I picked up Mrs Squirrel, cooked tea & collapsed in the recliner for the evening.
Final Thoughts:
In the interests of not sounding like a broken record I missed the almost obligatory trigger points that were tripped for me by a certain someone today. Needless to say this afternoon could have lived without that.
Walking is definitely helping in a number of ways, although doing my back in again is not one of them! I’m going to hit the codeine tonight , & I have to take a fairly high dose, so expect a slightly manic squirrel in the morning & then a bit of a crash landing, probably tomorrow afternoon.
I find the feedback I’m getting to my diary deeply supportive & very helpful, so please keep it coming. 🙏 🤗🥰
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 188 , Saturday 04/05/2024
Up at around 07:30 to a day that promised to be filled with more difficulty than I anticipated it might yesterday morning.
To set the scene:
Last night my MiL , who is very elderly & quite frail but still lives at home with the help of carers , had a fall.
We were contacted by her carers when they found her on the floor as they arrived to make her comfortable for the night.
We live about an hour away by car & both Mrs S. & I had had a few drinks so we had to depend on the carers to sort out getting an ambulance for my MiL who they suspected had broken her leg.
We’ll skip lightly over the fight we had , over the phone , with her to get her to go - she fears the NHS staff might bump her off 🙄🤦♂️ .
So we went to bed with all this hanging over our heads.
Thusly we arrive at Saturday morning:
The hospital has called , apparently while in a lot of pain my MiL has just got a sprained ankle. This is good !
They are sending her home later , but Mrs S. has a somewhat fraught relationship with her mum so while we are on standby in case anything untoward happens she is letting the hospital sort out returning her Mum home.
This sits uncomfortably with me, I feel that herself should make some effort here.
Don’t get me wrong she gets her mums shopping once a week , & see’s to her administrative well being, but when a loved one (even a semi estranged one) is in distress I think that one should step up.
Once I would have pushed the point, but I no longer have the spoons to deal with the resulting fallout, so I will keep my thoughts to myself & let the situation play out as it will.
We spent an uneasy afternoon watching TV, waiting for the phone to go, finally got a a call late this afternoon, turns out that they are keeping my MiL in hospital, sounds like they suspect a possible broken hip & have scheduled a CT scan for tomorrow .
Watching the last of the Terminator franchise (Dark Fate) while eating Chinese takeaway.
Final Thoughts.
Sometimes plans change in a heartbeat due to reasons way out of our control, once again I will spend an uneasy night wondering if my MiL is ok.
I wish that Mrs S. & her mum had a better relationship , it disturbs me at a fairly fundamental level that herself is yet to check in with her mum either in person or on the phone.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Woke up early, but then went back to sleep - I need to sort out my sleep schedule , I am trying to please too many & do too much in too little time, & that is not working. I am not an early bird, I have been struggling to get to bed before 11pm & that means I’m not getting enough sleep getting up at 4 or 5am.
Also , before I was so ill after Christmas I could survive happily on a daily 6 hours , this no longer seems to be the case.
Herself has been her usual unthinking self , why bother checking that the this or that is done right- we can always depend on the house elf to correct any shortfalls.
Went out to get some walking trousers around 11 - I had not realised just how tubby I have got over Christmas, out of 5 sportswear shops I found 2 pairs of trousers that fit, & only one of those was acceptable. I cannot put into words how low my mood dropped at this revelation, my self image is as bad as it has ever been .
Ok so now I have to grasp the nettle & lose the weight , by what ever means, all other considerations are secondary, I HAVE to lose this weight.
I have chatted with CDP 🧚♀️ today and may have dragged her down with me for which I am so sorry for doing! Sometimes I wish there was a cure for PDD ( yeah sod chronic depression , one has to really persevere to end up with Persistent Depressive Disorder ! ) then I could
I had a venison & chestnut stew as the last meal of a condemned man tonight, from here on in only enough food to keep hunger at bay, a massive reduction in alcohol intake , a change to water being the drink of choice .
Final Thoughts.
Who needs to be happy anyway in this world of woe and tears ?
Storm Isha is not helping either !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 45 Wednesday 13/12/23
TL:DR NMS is game de jour again! ; Besties are the best 🤗🥰 ; Pretty chilled & MH is on the up ! 😊
Super good day, pretty much NMS wall to wall, major push to finish Expedition 9, which turned out to be worthwhile as I got a mean Fighter ship out of it , that I can use in EVERY other save & all future saves.
CDP 🧚♀️ will defo be jealous in the morning 😆
Talking of CDP 🧚♀️ who could wish for a better bestie, we played solo this morning but chatted & then had a major co-op session this afternoon!
I think it is a quirk of my ASD that I can only coop with 1 person, & they have to be an exact fit! No wonder its taken so long to get into co-op playing !
Project WOOF sadly took a serious step back today, I could not resist hitting the Danish Butter cookies, which are bite sized & ridiculously moreish !
Hey ho, mucho exercising & dieting in the new year!
The fact that today was another day where all the masks were off also helped sp much to relax me!
Final Thoughts:
Ok I must be getting better MH wise, my gaming addiction is coming back!
Vis a vis the above - I need to schedule my time !!
Thanks to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you ! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 152 , Thursday 28/03/2024
TL:DR If you liked Sophie, you’ll love Alice 😊
Would you believe it another lay in. Then breakfast & chores as usual.
So Alice mog got jealous of Sophie’s debut on here yesterday & wanted a little of the limelight herself!
Where Sophie is into getting brushed Alice adores being on my lap on the recliner & being stroked !
We start if I’m involved with something - of an evening generally when I’m writing this diary, but she likes a morning & mid-afternoon session if she can get away with it !
It begins with her circling the chair , tail erect, like a furry version of Jaws! Then the shouting starts, both the girls can be very vocal when they want something!
I hold out , for maybe 2 minutes 😆 , then cave. We have to have her comfort towel ready, otherwise there’s the whole bouncing on & off the chair until the sacred towel makes an appearance.
Then there’s the padding , because we need a well softened human to sit on !
Alice loves having her head stroked - if I spend too much time stroking her back or ticking her tummy & there not enough head stroking we get the head butts 😆
Once the head strokes & scritches commence & we get the 100db purrs and the waggly bum!
Re-roped the cats scratching posts today - of course now they smell different Sophie n Alice are ignoring them 🙄🤦♂️
I think I need to get walking again , if only short walks , if my PF plays up then so be it!
Watched ‘After the Flood’ which was tense & enjoyable, with a nice twist at the end !
Final Thoughts.
Ok that’s both of the agents of darkness & chaos covered. Back to business as usual tomorrow 😊
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 120 , Sunday 25/02/2024
TL:DR Sunday & the long , dark teatime of the soul!
Ach I’m not brave enough to say what I wanted to say, so we’ll go with the usual.
Up at 6 initially, chatted with CDP 🧚♀️ for a little while then dozed off till 8.
Had a nice NMS co-op session with my bestie which cheered up an otherwise banal day.
Spent the afternoon watching ‘Payback ‘ (the tv series as opposed to the movie) , I really wish I had the energy & motivation to do more, I feel like such a lazy git !
I desperately want a takeaway for my tea, but I am also well aware of my weight issues & recent lack of exercise so I will try my hardest to keep to a more healthy diet & resist the temptation !
Ended up compromising and making an emergency stew from a tin of stewing steak, a tin of mushrooms & some sweetcorn. It was ok with a bread roll. Hell knows how many killer calories there were .
Final Thoughts.
How do you like your squirrel - lightly roasted ?
I hope to try & get out for a walk tomorrow if the weather is nice 🤞
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 113 , Sunday 18/02/2024
TL:DR ESO, shopping, my heart is still broken - but it is healing slowly!
Just realised that I’m failing to record the 12 hours or so overnight … my Nuggan you must all be holding your collective breath wondering what happens in those mysterious ‘lost hours’
So last night - ESO till about 10pm then read for an hour then slept like a baby, although I woke up hot n sweaty so I wonder what I got up to last night ?
Up around 7am this morning , chatted with @pixy for a while then breakfast.
My bestie was feeling well enough for us to polish off some more of the NMS Omega expedition this morning which was super enjoyable!
Went on a much delayed Costco run around 11am, it was busy but not stupidly so so the actual shopping experience was not too bad.
The exertion caused me to be breathless & dizzy, but the pain saved itself for when I had to put the shopping away when we got home. Mrs ‘leave it to me’ left the stuff neatly stacked on the floor below the cupboards where they actually live ! I truly wish I could trust her to do stuff , rather than ½ doing it - I hate being the responsible adult all the time, it really isn’t in my makeup !
I had to rest this afternoon , so we binge watched ‘The Reunion’ .
I totally failed on the resisting temptation front & ended up having Scampi & chips from our favourite takeaway. In my defence there was a decent side salad with it so it practically healthy !
I’m wondering whether I can class cider as a health drink - it’s made of apples after all !
Final Thoughts.
Ok totally bored with health issues at the moment, I know that these are simply the weeds growing from seeds sown over a life time , but even so!
I often wonder what life would have been like without the depression & ASD tripping me up at every turn.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 101 , Tuesday 06/02/2024
TL:DR Room 101 - I wanna throw the whole of existence out !
The early bird catches the CDP 🧚♀️ even if the reason for the bird being early is a sleepless night full of discomfort.
Felt fairly rubbish today , lot of pain & the codeine starting to give me a bad headache. Slept on & off for most of the day , although I managed to get some ESO in.
Had a nice chat with CDP 🧚♀️ this aftenoon which took the day up a couple of notches 😊
My hair hurts tonight which is generally a bad sign.
Will be making it an early night.
Final Thoughts.
Nope , nothing , nada , bugger all !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 112 , Saturday 17/02/2024
TL:DR got up, gamed , got triggered .
Up at just before 7am , made breakfast & did the chores.
Had a NMS co-op with @pixy which was great 😊 however got triggered by an unexpected setback , which totally threw me out of sync & coloured the rest of the day .
Had pizza for tea with a Supernatural fest , & thus ended another day.
Final Thoughts.
One of the things that those of us who live with depression / ND face is being unexpectedly triggered just completely out of the blue.
I am hoping that if I get my ASD diagnosis then I will get access to help with avoiding these episodes or at least with recovering from them quicker.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 99 , Sunday 04/02/2024
TL:DR Erm, if anyone who has recently evicted an older teenager to Uni / self discovery trip around the world , is missing the challenge - feel free to adopt me, I am seriously bad at this adulting thing !
Today started ok , & then I came down to make breakfast - at which point I was bombarded with triggers & basically ran out of spoons before the coffee had finished brewing!
The rest of the day was fairly peaceful, my chest was a lot less painful initially, but the pain levels have increased as the day has gone on.
I suggested that I might go to the GP tomorrow, but apparently that is inconvenient because herself has clients to go & see, so if I am still in pain & discomfort it seems I will have to wait till Tuesday. I get the feeling that because the pain is merely incapacitating rather than fatal then it’s fine.
I was severely tempted by the idea of another takeaway for tea tonight, but I chided myself & decided to eat more healthily.
I thought we had a frozen speciality microwave meal in the freezer, but it turns out it’s oven cook only , I really didn’t have the patience for that , so I thought to use up some of the tins in the cupboard & throw together an impromptu stew - however it appears that , because I never checked, most of the tins in there are well out of date - 2021 /22 out of date !
At this point in pain , frustrated out of my brain & devoid of anything resembling self control I caved to temptation & got herself to order a pizza for me & fried chicken for her . I hate myself for being so weak, but I need something to vaguely cheer me up !
Final Thoughts.
Self loathing & self recrimination are at high levels tonight , I am very much my own worst critic!
This is not so much a cry for help / sympathy as a venting of multiple frustrations, the least of which is that once again my efforts to exercise have lead me to be incapacitated!
I need a life coach - or a parent !
Applications for either position should be sent, on a postcard, to your local squirrel sanctuary.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 177 , Tuesday 23/04/2024
TL:DR
Up at around 6:15am, Mrs S. kindly let me have a lay in.
Did breakfast then a quick torture session aka walk. 2 thoughts on that :
The weather witches lied - it was not due to rain till around 10am, it rained that horrible fine stuff around 7:30 !
If my smart assed watch whinges at me in that snotty red tone about being ‘below the zone’ it’s gonna end badly for it !
You can tell I’m in a happy, well balanced mood today can’t you 😆
So got an email from Octopus says that a) they had updated the billing system to reflect the right tariffs & b) fixed the Gas meter (it’s not been transmitting) .
Have no proof about the tariffs yet but the gas meter isn’t showing on the IHD still 🙄🤦♂️
I wanted to play ESO this afternoon but could not pull the motivation together.
Finished the day watching some random thing that we recorded for herself.
Final Thoughts.
I feel like I am teetering on the edge of another bout of full on depression. The signs are all there, the exhaustion, the lack of motivation the lack of enjoyment in hobbies.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 205 , Monday 20/05/2024
Was up till the early hours of this morning with stomach cramps after last nights daring attempt to eat scrambled eggs & beans for tea.
Spent the day getting lots of exercise up & down the stairs to take a pew, if you get my drift.
Attempted to interact on here a couple of times but my brain is apparently on sick leave so it didn’t go exactly to plan 🙄🤦♂️
Hopefully tomorrow will be better !
Final Thoughts.
Is the babel fish truly a fish if it spends most of its life out of water ?
This & other great questions of our age will have to wait until I can think straight!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 213 , Tuesday 28/05/2024
Up at 6m as Mrs S. was back in work today.
Another day of fighting the agoraphobia & losing . The spectre of the world beyond the front door playing havoc with my mind.
Watching others sally forth, both in analog & digital life makes me realise how far I have to go to get better.
I would go to the GP, but the whole thing over the ADHD assessment has badly shaken my trust in them.
Also I am so very aware of the state of the NHS & I feel that I cannot deny other, more worthy souls their opportunity to get medical help.
So chores are done and now I roam the countryside around Boston in the virtual world of Fo4.
I was analysing my current play style & I am being so very logical about it - for no reason. I need to relax & play the game as I encounter it, instead of maximising companion potential or trying to do stuff in a set order.
Got a new stand for the iPad today , gotta get used to the new layout - it’s more comfortable if a little odd at the moment.
Final Thoughts.
Sometimes my autistic nature makes me miss communication cues. I fail to respond in the way folk expect , sometimes say things innocently that are misinterpreted because there are certain rules that I either don’t know or don’t understand.
I am kind by nature & like to see the best in people, I like to compliment folk, often the old adage ‘it’s nice to be nice’ comes into play.
Sometimes I do not recognise the unseen, unspoken edges of what is acceptable, people have blocked me before today for being too familiar too soon.This upsets me a great deal when it happens. Thankfully it has not happened since I got my diagnosis.
Now I know I am autistic I take steps to try & avoid the more obvious pit falls , but sometimes I forget or get a little over enthusiastic & folk bring me up short. Then I back away & something is lost.
I had hoped that my GP would help me find the help I need but they seem disinterested. For now I am on my own.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
So today was a reasonable day , up at 5 after nearly 7 hours of sleep.
Had a chat with my Bestie & then did chores & ticked off a couple of things that I have kept putting off.
I’m hoping to get up in the loft tomorrow & de-install the extractor fan so I can give it a good clean , a task originally scheduled for the beginning of December last year !
Got some EOS co-op time this afternoon, it has to be said I’m pretty poor at it, it seems. I am too enthusiastic & tend to forget that others are with me.
I often wonder why folks bother with me, I’m fat, inactive & anti social. I have so many MH issues one could fill a book with the acronyms !
I often wonder , if I were free, if anyone would fall for the person I am now. There truly isn’t much to recommend me - I think me n herself stay together out of habit, we share little in common, & I am more a parasite than a symbiont these days .
Hey ho, it is what it is, we march forward because there is no going back !
Final Thoughts.
I’m not sure why my mood has dropped so suddenly, it has not been a bad day, but sometimes I struggle to keep my dislike of myself under wraps & self doubt creeps in along with everything else.
A massive thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 198 , Monday 13/05/2024
Up early for some reason beyond this simple squirrels reasoning.
Tidied up after herself, did my chores & went for a walk in the warm early summer sunshine !
I cannot seem to find the impetus to get stuff done, I work best to a deadline & the only person pushing me at the moment is me, which would be fine but I have minimal motivation levels at the moment.
I’m wondering from day to day like a leaf blowing in the breeze, no direction, no purpose.
At least the days are warm now & a lot sunnier, saving energy is easier , my lone mission to drag our energy bills down is less onerous in the summer.
Final Thoughts.
I suspect that I am going through a depressive episode, I hope I come through to the other side soon.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 198 , Tuesday 14/05/2024
Up just before 6am for some reason that will have scientists puzzled long after the Unified Field Theory is discovered!
Breakfast is done & coffee is drunk.
I sit looking at my TL & feeling a strange reluctance to engage. It’s not that anyone has upset me or that I’m particularly triggered by a toot . I just shy away from interaction with the rest of the Fediverse.
Some of it is that I feel overwhelmed by the number of folk I have to respond to - I have to respond to everyone who mentions me or who greets the world at large, it’s an unconscious imperative for me.
Most days I love this level of interaction, it energises me & elevates my spirits, but not today.
I will engage with folk, because I feel that I will failed them & myself if I don’t.
Maybe a shower first though, prevaricating ….
Ok so the day got better & SM was engaged with !
Hit Fo4 this afternoon then the usual evening activities.
Final Thoughts.
Ok struggling at the moment , thank Nuggan it’s warm & mostly sunny otherwise it might be quiet grim!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖