I am using Bepanthen Scar for my top surgery scars and it surprised me. Just one use and my scars got so much softer that it is hard for me not to keep touching them. It is like a nice claming stim...
It feels so beautiful to be able to touch my chest like this. <3
If you have had top surgery a nonth ago or longer, I really recommend these scar gels. They make a huge difference in the healing process. :D
I wore a shirt against my bare chest for the first time and the lack of dysphoria staggered me. It felt strange but also like I had arrived home. The level of comfort was alien, but my skin no longer felt like an enemy I have to fight every second of my existance.
Putting the vest back on to reduce swelling was like putting on a little cage...but at least I know I get that one off entirely after 3 more weeks of healing.
Now that I feel better, here's the personal art piece I didn't share earlier. (: I still have a lot of healing to do, but every day is thousand times better than past 22 years of needless, maddening dysphoria.
I think once I am ready, I will write a horror book all about dysphoria. It will be full-on body horror.
Viceral. Violent. Vile.
And soon I can speak about it from the safe space of recovery. Draw horror from within without reminding myself of the reality I have lived in for 22 years.
12 days and it is starting to sink in that soon, really soon, I can burn my chest binding fabric creations, or at least chop them into pieces and cry because I don't need to use them anymore. (:
A lot of people don't know how much dysphoria just having them, and needing to use them can cause to a trans person...but I hope the fact that I can't even call them with their commercial name is some sort of indicator to the uninitiated.
-wear a shirt, but not at home ever again (unless it is cold as fuck)
-try to do a plank for a minute, increase slowly
-go walk to a bog
-go swimming
-stretch
-have my partner's hand on my chest and feel happy
-cook meals and do dishes with relative ease
-take a selfie
-make a video saying hi to my ko-fi supporters for the first time
-maybe have a haircut first???
-buy new shirts
-feel worthy of self care
-live a happy rest of my life
Just a little thing that sometimes bothers me a tiniest bit is...where do I belong in the book world as a nonbinary author?
I can't join "Women in Horror"-month, or grab a seat with the guys, I could maybe be with LGBTQAI+ but those are also often separated to men and women (but include trans men and trans women of course), or by sexuality.
Where does pansexual, semi-masculine, non-binary person go to promote their books?
I would join a group in facebook for endometriosis, but all of them have names like "endometriosis sisters "WOMEN with endometriosis" or pictures that indicate very feminine space, which makes me very nervous to ask to join as non-binary (and masculine) person.
I know transpeople aren't always welcome, so...I get very anxious abouit stuff like this. I don't want to make the cis people uncomfortable or even worse - unsafe, or angry.
Month until I am 30, and all of my dream are about relatives, dead, living, and imagined, and how would they react knowing I am trans and in need of surgery within 4 weeks.
I am trying to be chill, knowing that all banks have declined our loan, quick loans only offer 4K, and we are asking help from my partner's relatives...yet my dreams are mazimum un-chill.
I wish I had been born gold-spoon and not one-use-only-brittle-plastic-spoon.
Plan A) Debt, Surgery, Survive
Plan B) Get someone to back that debt or get it it for us so we can pay it back to them, -//-
Plan C) Get Quick Loan, -//-, Suffer because of intense interest paybacks
Plan D) Public side waiting line 2-5 years, and meanwhile upgrade all other aspects of life and try not to get depressed in the process - includes new bed, new apartment, material upgrades, trying to hyperfocus on everything, and being on T.
Two banks have already declined our debt chances with them. Third will decline us too (they work with the same premise). I'll try second one again with different specs and if that doesnt work out, we will try the fourth, and last, option.
My surgery chances are becoming slimmer by the day, but I try to focus on surviving. I have to harden my heart and go on...I still have month and a half before my breaking point birthday.
The only time #Dysphoria doesn't rule me, is when I am sleeping. In my dreams my body is exactly as it should be, and I am free.
But you know what is fucked up? Dysphoria can make falling asleep harder, staying asleep harder as you move at night and your flesh adjusts, and worse your dysphoria is = more it can fuck with your sleep.
Dyphoria is a threat to overall PHYSICAL and MENTAL health and should be cared for accordingly as first priority medical care. Not cosmetic.
I have experienced many kinds of pain. Sudden sprains, almost losing a finger, loss of family members and friends, level 10 pain from severe migraines and infections, constant chronic pain from my internal organs being glued together by endometriosis...etc.
The worst pain of all however, in my entire life, is #Dysphoria. The mental and physical anquish is like constant torture that keeps on getting worse year by year, month by month, day by day...
It is not waste of money to save a life after lifetime of suffering. Sometimes saving a life looks like surgery that makes no sense to anyone else. It might be medications, or just a simple act of remembering their true name.
It is not waste to save a life.
Yours. Mine. Theirs. Hers. His.
We are not waste. Trans people deserve to live free.
I wish we all could afford it in time, and be safe to be saved.
Just five years after the UK decriminalised homosexuality, Britain's first Pride rally took place on July 1 1972 in London. An estimated 700 participants marched from Trafalgar Square to Hyde Park. It would be another 34 years before the country saw an equal age of consent and 43 years until marriage equality. #london#pride#londonpride#prideinlondon#lgbtqai#loveislove 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
All the polls about whether or not it’s morally acceptable to be in a same sex relationship can pound sand.
I don’t give a flying fart if a someone thinks my relationship is morally acceptable. I have been with the same man for 21 years. Never been divorced. We even have a daughter and two grandkids.
YOU DON’T GET TO JUDGE AN ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE BASED ON YOUR OWN IGNORANCE. Period. PERIOD.