I just wanted to give my thanks to all of those who helped with their advice and suggestions.
The nicest thing was realizing that I'm not alone and doing everything wrong. A lot of the advice were things I was already doing, and reading that from others really helped. So thank you.
The Fediverse is an amazing resource. Thank you all for being a part of it.
@Mrfunkedude as an autistic female, I learned that autism is sometimes different in women and girls. Among the books that were recommended to me are “Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder” by Hendrickx Sarah and “Aspergirls” by
Simone Rudy.
@Mrfunkedude Check your local library. There will probably be books there specifically about it. Talk to the librarians in the children's section, too, sometimes they know about support resources.
@Mrfunkedude
Finding a good therapist for my 25 yr old son was very helpful. He’s come long way since. I don’t feel like I have to worry about him as much. I know he will be ok.
He’s very intelligent, but I still can’t comprehend how he thinks.
The best parenting advice I got was, be there for them, whatever it is. Scraped knee, little league games, crushes, broken hearts bithdays, graduations, etc. That carries over into adulthood too.
Be there for her.
@Mrfunkedude not a parent but I asked 2 of my friends who have adult children with autism:
Getting a diagnosis is key as it may not be autism. Check with the local autism or developmental disability assn in ur area and ask for an ombudsman/advocate. They are great at training parents. online there are many parenting groups. If they are under 18 or 21 they need a diagnosis in order to get services. If after that, they may have difficulty getting services but again checking with parenting group
@Mrfunkedude Please make an effort to understand and accept whatever way they are choosing to communicate. For me, that’s through art a lot of the time. Photos, graphics, music. It is far easier for me to respond to ‘how are you doing?’ with a photo I took that day. Or a song, or a (not at all) random meme. Someone else answering it in a similar way to how I would, but not exactly. Help us translate this into something we can both understand and share. It is lonely out here.
@Mrfunkedude I'm here if you need anything. Just post in my DMs.
Also, if you're in CA, get her into your local Regional Center. Theyre a good resource and they'll diagnose (it was free for my son when he was little) & once they're a Regional Center client, SSDI cannot turn them down.
I reccomend the book Autism & Enzymes by Karen DeFelice (sp?) for where to start with emotional regulation, but there's more as well.
@Mrfunkedude stepdad to a 19 year old, he finished high school last year and now is in a transition school that helps him launch to college. Located in Minnesota. Struggling with the same things you describe. The school has great counselors that help. Having a diagnosis was important, since it allowed to get additional help and individual education plans at the school, and later at the college.
@Mrfunkedude as an autistic person growing up with a horrible mother all I can say is patience patience patience. Learn as much as you can about autistic people in the way they present themselves to the universe and don't do what my mom did and beat them because you don't understand their behavior and it annoys you.
One great book I recommend is Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison.
I try to approach her with love and patience and as much understanding as I can. I want her to always know that I support her and love her. I just wish that I could do more.
@Mrfunkedude As an adult autistic female, I would also highly recommend reading Untypical by Pete Wharmby, which is written by an autistic person for non-autistic people to help them understand how our brains work sometimes. I think the key is understanding what's overwhelming to your daughter because non-autistic people are often surprised by the extra information we take on board that causes so much extra stress. That way you can spot potential situations easier.
@miffyhelen Thank you for your recommendation. I will definitely look this up and inform myself more. Anything that will help me to understand is a bonus.
@Mrfunkedude Our youngest is autistic. He's inching up on twenty-two years old. He was diagnosed when he was eight or nine years old.
Edit: didn't mean to hit "publish".
Anyway, it's tough at times, other times we feel like we're doing pretty well. He has a very difficult time making friends, and while he seems to be perfectly okay with that, we're not so sure he is. There isn't much we can do to help him out there, and that really bothers us both.
@deadtom My daughter has never been officially diagnosed (mostly because of the cost and the waiting lists) but there's no doubt she's on the higher functioning spectrum. She has issues regulating her emotions and becomes overwhelmed whenever she thinks she might fail at something. We are currently looking for more advanced therapy.
It's just so hard watching her suffer and not be able to help in a way that helps her to move forward. Sometime I just feel like I've failed her.
@Mrfunkedude@deadtom Has she ever expressed a difficulty in reading emotions in others? Personally, a fair amount of my anxiety (and therefore tendency to be higher strung) in social settings is in feeling like I’m often guessing (wrongly) at people’s emotions.
Do you think it would help for you to verbalize how and why you feel something, so she both has more concrete ideas of X actions being tied to Y emotions, and needn’t worry about being surprised with you?
@WhiteCatTamer@deadtom Yes to everything in your first paragraph. It’s one of the reasons I am 99.9% sure that she is on the autistic spectrum.
Verbalizing how and why I feel things, is something I’ve always done. I’ve always spoken openly about my emotions and have invited her to speak openly and honestly about hers. I think as far as father and daughters go, we have a very good open line of communication with each other. It’s something she’s told me she relies on.
@Mrfunkedude General life skills take a long time for him to acquire, and while he is making progress, we have our doubts that he'll ever be fully self-sufficient.
He's held down a full time job, which he really likes, for several years now, and is starting to get a handle on budgeting. We've started charging him "rent", which actually just goes into a separate savings account for him, which he doesn't know about yet. It's sort of a nest egg for if he does launch.
@Mrfunkedude Anyway, feel free to DM questions, or I can send you my email address if you want. We're not experts, just sort of OJTing it ourselves, but we're happy to help if we can.
@Mrfunkedude (I'm neither autistic nor the parent of someone who is autistic, and I know you said not to comment, but I just wanted to tell you that you're being a great father by wanting to be all that your kid needs for you to be, and I'm cheering you on.) 😊🖖
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