Accepting a lack of control is one of the hardest things (seemingly) for people to do. I can say something like "you cannot control another's thoughts and feelings", and most of the people I'm conversing with would agree with me.
But then, if I were to re-word that and say "you cannot control whether or not someone is racist", or "you cannot control whether or not someone is upset by your attempts to moderate their behavior" or something along those lines, most people would (and do) instantly begin coming up with reasons why they can, in fact, control the outcome of the above two scenarios.
Part of this seems to come from a semantic misunderstanding: control is not the same as influence, and vice versa. To control someone's prejudices is impossible. "Control" means that you would actually decide the outcome that you desired and make that happen, unequivocally. To "influence", or attempt to influence, would mean that you might try to educate someone, expose them to new ideas, to the damage their behavior or ideology may cause or is causing, etc.
We all have the ability to attempt to influence outcome, but that does not mean we are guaranteed success or that we have control over an outcome.
The understanding of this, in my experience, has been crucial to my well-being and ability to productively make decisions based on my own values (and not the attempt to control or change someone else's). And yet, it's generally a conversation that causes a significant amount of discomfort and frustration.
