A year ago, tonight, a girl who’d never seen her own reflection was sitting with her Eldest child for bedtime. And after Eldest fell asleep, she came across a post suggesting that wishing that she was the other gender was not a very cis thing to do.
It only took a few days to conclude that she wanted to transition so she could show her children what it meant to live authentically. She didn’t want her example to them to be living in the closet.
I have never before in my life read or felt seen as deeply by a feminism like that from A Short History of Trans Misogyny, and this week on #StainedGlassWoman, we're diving deep into mujerísima to understand exactly why Jules Gill-Peterson's work truly is A Love Letter To The Dolls unlike anything I've ever encountered before.
Need $30 for software. Arturia is offering me a 70% discount on their _Augmented YANGTZE Chinese soft synthesizers. My income doesn't keep pace with the rising cost of living, making it difficult to buy music software and hardware. Please donate to my art via https://GoFund.Me/fec49942 or https://Paypal.Me/Muiren #Trans#TransJoy
Looked in the mirror for bedtime ablutions and burst out laughing because I got away with it, this absurd thing that I believed for so long was completely impossible, but there I am in the mirror looking like myself.
I think the 90s and early 2000s left an odd imprint on me...these are some of the most euphoric outfits I have. An oversized sweatshirt with paint spots and a skull. Ripped jeans with a ribbed tank top. Why does being able to wear these and look like this feel like achieving gender goals for me? 😅
I know I have often posted some sad things, and some panicky things here.
I just want to say out loud to myself and whoever else is around, this:
Since I have started to accept that I am trans, and started to believe it, I have experienced days, no, weeks at a time, that have been the happiest times of my life.
All 53 years of it.
Nothing special happening. No great accomplishments or windfalls. Just... joy, I guess?
Joy.
Just being happy, and feeling good, just, IDK, because.
I have been incredibly lucky with my coming out, and I know it. Apart from my ex-wife's initial reaction, I have been met with nothing but support and acceptance. In some occasions, it goes even beyond that, and that acceptance comes with a dollop of kindness and love on top.
Take today, for example. I was feeling under the weather so I called in sick and went to the doctor. My GP was busy so I had to go to another doctor in the clinic, to whom I had to explain the discrepancy between my presentation and the name and gender in my file. After he asked me about HRT, he added that he had a lot of respect for trans people because he couldn't imagine how hard it must be to take this step and asked how I was feeling about it and what my experience had been like so far.
A bit later, picking up the 3-year-old at the creche, there was only one teacher left, a very sweet and friendly one who has babysat the kids a few times and is the closest to us there. She apologised that she hadn't spoken to me all week, but she was always busy when I was there, and she really wanted to tell me how much she admired and respected what I had done. Also, she said she and another teacher remarked how much happier I seemed now and that that in turn made her very happy. ♥️ I ended up staying a bit longer to talk to her about transition and, well, just girly things in general.
I am truly blessed. I never imagined when I started coming out that this path would have had so much starlight illuminating it. I know there will be transphobia and some bad moments in the future, but when they do happen I can take solace in all the kindness I have received so far. This is how it should always be.
Played a boardgame tonight with Wife and a good friend, and I realised just after we started that, uh, especially since it was a game that involved trading (bohnanza) there was going to be a lot of referring to one another by name or pronouns.
There's no lack of support or anything from either of them, but I did kinda brace myself for them to use the old name or pronouns sometimes, both of them have known me by those old names/terms for over a decade and it takes time to unlearn that.
And it would have honestly been fine had it happened a couple of times here or there, but, it didn't happen at all. Like I saw them pause before referring to me a couple times but they didn't once use the old name/pronouns.
As it turned out, I did win the game, which is great, but the feeling is nothing in comparison to the validation of my Wife and one of my oldest, dearest friends referring to me in the way that feels right for me repeatedly, consistently and continuously for a whole hour or so.
I went to Ye Olde Big Box Store to pick up a garden hose spray nozzle I ordered online, and was greatly entertained by the unexpected, if random, little hit of transmasc joy among the freebies they added to my bag. 🤣🏳️⚧️😎
I try to keep my nails done as much as I can (hard to do as I’m still not great at them and they typically start falling off after 3 days or so), because even if I’ve done nothing else for gender expression, I look down and see “girl.” No makeup, sweatpants and hoodie, falling off my target voice, etc., doesn’t matter as much if I can look down for instant gender euphoria. 💜
"If I were to give advice it would be that whatever you are doing or whatever you are going through , you gotta enjoy the little things in life. Enjoy and cherish those moments." Ruby