SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

On live #streams or in text conversations, in the chat of other streams I often pretend to be someone I'm not

Growing up through #ChildhoodTrauma and abuse showing my emotions good or bad was dangerous - not just for me but for my loved ones

Most of the time people have no idea I'm suffering

Sometimes the pain is beyond my capacity to control so some seeps out

On safer environments I let a little of it out but trust me it's rare and a very distressing choice

image/jpeg
image/jpeg
image/jpeg

SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

This is one of the many reasons it hurts me to lose friends

I don't trust people and after I let them in and they betray me I get very upset with myself

It's also a constant fear I face day to day with navigating people - once they know the real me a lot of them leave me behind

They get tired of my constant struggles with mental health, #poverty and physical health

I'm used to being alone
I'm used to carrying weight

It's an active choice for me to put my life out there

SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

I don't want others who suffer with things like I do to feel alone

Often for people struggling feeling seen and heard is what cultivates #hope

It takes a lot to be my friend and not everyone is strong enough to take it

Most people aren't strong enough to fully handle themselves so what can I say?

Denial of pain and suffering brings the risk of worse pain and suffering

Authenticity brings the most hope of all

Because true strength is facing fears and truth not brushing it aside

SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

I feel my strongest friends are deeply in touch with their reality - they reflect boundaries and capacity and honor themselves and in turn make me feel safe to be authentic as well

Sadly, I'm still learning when some connections deserve "benefit of the doubt" or even deserve the honor of conflict

I'm not afraid of solitude I will fake a smile to keep you from my inner world at the drop of a hat

SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

I don't believe many deserve my intimacy

My silence is rarely that I need time for myself - I take a lot of time for myself because I enjoy it

It's always a choice for me to include others in my life

Silence from me is usually giving up on myself and my ideals or I'm giving up on you

Most people let me fade away into nothing and then blame me for it

SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

I don't fight to belong anywhere because I've never believed I belonged with anyone or anywhere but with myself by myself

I share not to be validated, I share out of duty because making others feel seen and heard and empowered means something to me that's beyond my skin

I don't know if this is healthy, some day I might learn

They say humans are made for community - art is about connection

I connect more with trees and other animals - I struggle to connect to humans

I pretend

SabiLewSounds, 2 months ago

Some take me for granted, I fully doubt anyone misses me when I'm gone

A small part of me always hopes that if someone misses me they would come find me

They never do

I believe I'm worth conflict or discomfort if I'm honest with myself and in my own skin

But most of the time I'll just fake a smile and act like everything is okay until I give up and move on

Friends come and go

I'll always have the universe and me