Fellow Jews, I have a request. What are QUESTIONS you have about the Jewish view on forgiveness - of others, of yourself? I’m planning to teach on this on Yom Kippur. The jewish perspective on this topic is quite different than the majority culture & is often counter intuitive. Example: are you required to forgive someone who hasn’t apologized? #forgiveness#yomkippur#Mazeldon#jews
@rabbijill I was taught to forgive everyone no matter if they've apologized - because this is one aspect of Yom Kippur that is about you - not them. I've never been perfect in this endeavor. As a matter of fact, I've utterly failed some years.
@jann jewish law is clear - you are not obligated to forgive someone if they haven’t apologized. You can release your hurt feelings but that’s different than forgiveness. In the prayerbook it says - for wrongs against God, you can go to God to ask forgiveness but if you have harmed another person, you have to go to them - you can’t ask forgiveness from God when you need to go apologize to the person you’ve hurt.
@rabbijill Thank you, Rabbi! I did understand my education wrong then. I was always told by my Great Gran that it was all about you and the feelings you hold inside and the truths you feel about others who wrong you.
@jann yes - that's not the case in Judaism - the person who has hurt the other is responsible for making amends, apologizing and vowing to not repeat the same behavior again.
@Teri_Kanefield you are totally right about not staying in an accusing situation. But you are not required to forgive your abuser. The onus is on the abuser. And yet we do get to decide when we need to let go of our anger. But that doesn’t mean we have to forgive. (See how fascinating this is & how counter cultural? That’s why I’m discussing on Yom Kippur)
@Teri_Kanefield I think that’s great if letting go of your anger equals forgiving the person. But for some people, they can let go of the anger without forgiving the person. Especially if the person has not gone through the process of apology, you are not obligated to forgive them. Judaism makes it really clear that the onus is on the person who has done the injury to seriously engage in apology. It’s Christo-centric thinking that the onus is on the person harmed to do the forgiving, no matter what. That’s not what Judaism teaches.
@Teri_Kanefield@squig
This principle I think more than anything is why I am glad I was brought up Jewish. Well, I guess the food, then this.
Edit by this principle I mean that one can forgive another person on their terms but the onus is on the wrong doer to actually take steps to make things right. Saying the words "I take responsibility" or "I'm sorry" doesn't cut the cheese blintz.
@asbestos@Teri_Kanefield@squig Thanks for making me laugh ("the food") and I so agree - this is one of the wonderful parts of Judaism. Judaism takes the view that this whole area is about relationships/community. And not just the individual wronged. It requires us to do the hard work. It doesn't let people off easily. And it acknowledges the complexity of human beings, and how these issues can tear relationships and communities apart.
@Teri_Kanefield not necessarily. The rabbis taught that it is essential for a person who has hurt others to go to that person & apologize, make restitution & vow to change. We are not required to forgive unless the wrong doer goes through these steps. Psychologically, it isn’t healthy to hold on to resentment & anger, but the rabbis didn’t let us off the hook. We don’t expect God to forgive us if we don’t do the work on the human plane. That’s what we say in our liturgy on Yom Kippur .
@Teri_Kanefield yes. It’s completely your decision. I have a question : does she know she hurt you? If she knew and apologized would that matter? What if she knew she hurt you and didn’t say she was sorry, would that change anything? Or if you were very hurt & she insisted she did nothing wrong? My point is that yes of course you can forgive her independently. I think that in general - the sages wanted this forgiveness thing to be about relationship and repair and our responsibility to do things right - take action. ❤️
@Teri_Kanefield I totally respect you. Some people (I KNOW THIS in my own life!) are not capable of change or apology & then it is on us to decide how we want to move forward. She’s lucky you’re her relative & see so clearly.
@rabbijill@Teri_Kanefield Thank you both for this convo. I have it all the time with my kids, who follow Teri’s line of thinking, while I’m more in line with what Jill is saying, but try with everything I’ve got to follow Teri’s path. This is all so valuable. I’m going to share it with my twins when we get to Canada this week.
@GottaLaff@Teri_Kanefield happy to hear! Bottom line - in Judaism, forgiveness can be different than “letting go”. Psychologically , my mom was right - it’s not healthy to hang on to things & let it “eat you up inside.” However, you’re not required to forgive, if the wrong doer doesn’t apologize. I can learn to unhinge myself from letting bad behavior occupy space in my heart without forgiving that behavior.
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