Sexsomnia: An embarrassing sleep disorder no one wants to talk about

A 38-year-old man repeatedly tries to force his wife to have sex in the middle of the night but has no memory of his actions when he wakes up.

A married woman in her mid-20s often tears off her clothing and masturbates but remembers nothing when her partner rouses her.

For a dozen years, a 31-year-old man masturbates while asleep, at times injuring his groin. Embarrassed due to his unconscious behavior, he avoids relationships for eight years.

These are all clinically documented cases of sleep sex, or sexsomnia, part of a family of sleep disorders called parasomnias that include sleepwalking, sleep talking, sleep eating and sleep terrors.

sincle354,

The level of jokes in this comment thread (circa 7:28PM PT Apr. 28) tells me that people really, really don't have great frames of reference for mental disorders of any kind. The article subheadings literally go

  • Sexsomnia can ruin lives

  • What triggers sexsomnia?

  • Behavioral treatments are also available

This shit ruins lives. Lost relationships, arrests, and a complete inability to find any amount of support because of the sensitive nature of the condition. I have ARFID, a condition I won't even explain because it's gonna attract trolls like flies. I have lived in fear because of how it is associated with kids. It dictates my entire life. I have to plan where I can and cannot go to all the time, every day, monitoring what I consume so I don't fall into self destruction.

::: spoiler spoiler
And yes. I wrote this to spur your imagination wild. Don't mention it. Let the kneejerkers respond.
:::

There is no direct cure for ARFID, just like the article explains for sexsomnia. I have had immense help with my condition when I found the right doctor. The fact that they understood my diagnosis and approached me with extreme respect made me cry. That's how deprived of support I was at 22 years old.

Love thy neighbor. Don't assume anything because you don't someone's demons.

Vej,

I get it to an extent. I grew up poor. My parents tried. Expired meat frequently made me sick. At a very young age I went vegetarian. Meat grosses me out, even to this day.

ChicoSuave,

My defense mechanism for awkward situations is humor. Many of us make jokes because that’s how we operate for literally every other difficult scenario so why change? I’m still learning about something I had little knowledge of and the humor engages me more than sad tales of what could be construed as awkward and weird. No one is here saying that this is abominable behavior and shitting on people, but you sure seem intent on treating others like they are.

I’m sorry this subject is sensitive but that’s how tickling starts. I hope you feel comfortable enough to laugh someday.

sincle354,

Humor usually never ends up as a path towards solution unless the PERSON EXPERIENCING IT makes fun of it. It's difference between laughing at someone and laughing with someone. It's why there's specific lemmy communities for ADHD and ADHD Women with their own specialized memes: They never accuse anyone of anything, and look at things from a kinder view. I have a boyfriend with ASD and the Autism memes fit to a T. It gives the self a sense of understanding.

But outsider humor? I see mentions of House and Zapp Brannigan and how it's basically a setup for a joke involving the legal system. No mention of struggles or legitimate efforts to fix or understand the self. These are not jokes made from love. They are for the explicit purpose of othering. I'm not going to walk up to a tall black guy to call him a "Basketball American" anymore than you should call sexsomnia a "prewritten legal defense".

Webster,

As a spouse of someone who suffers from ARFID, I just wanted to pass along that there are those out there who understand the extreme suffering it can cause and recognize that the condition is not a choice you are making. She went most of her life undiagnosed and getting the diagnosis was so incredibly validating because it showed what she was experiencing was beyond her control. We wish you the best.

Kyrgizion,

Wow, that’s somehow the opposite of my experience. I need dreams to fully relax and enjoy a good night’s sleep. Even though I regularly have “nightmares” to the point of sweating right through my pj’s AND my covers, after I wake up it feels only as if I watched an actual decent horror movie. Dreamless nights always result in me feeling only half-rested.

radicalautonomy,

I dated a woman for a year while she was in the middle of a legal battle. Her husband (they were separated pending divorce) was in jail awaiting trial for having sexually molested her daughter for three years at night, from ages 11 to 14. His defense was sexsomnia. He ended up getting a 40-year sentence without parole. He’s incarcerated in a state prison south of Houston until May 2058.

Honestly…I don’t know what to think because I wasn’t there. If he really truly does have a sleepwalking form of sexsomnia and never would have hurt his stepdaughter otherwise, then I feel really bad for him.

On the other hand…c’mon…three years? The woman I dated did say that he tried to sex her up in the middle of the night every now and then, and that she’d just push him off and tell him no it’s sleepytime right now. I dunno.

Sho,

I have this as well, everything from sex, four play, talking, and teasing. The gf can notice a difference, she says the sleepy guy is more slow and sensual 😅

Stalinwolf,
@Stalinwolf@lemmy.ca avatar

I experienced this a bit for a year or two after my wife and I had a kid. I don’t know if it was the reduced frequency of sex or what. I’d usually come to and realize I’m feeling my wife’s tits and grinding against her. She’s usually engaged as well at this point, but I’m always embarrassed and ashamed by the time I realize what’s going on. I think we only carried out the rest of it once or twice, but usually I snap out of it when things start heating up. Feels rapey and I don’t like it, even if she thinks it’s funny. Fortunately it hasn’t happened in ages.

Siegfried,

“Im not a terrorist, im just a sleep-terror”

Nounka, (edited )

My partner has it to.

Sometimes it is a fast. Finger in there. I call it the ‘check if this is still female’. It waked me up but nothing more. Frustrates me more than you can immagine.

There is the longer time having his hand over my tits. Iff he gets to playing with the nippels I start joining. Manuelly getting him hard and during his sleep he still doos the rest.

Rarely we have the ‘wet noodle is lonely’. Tries to hump but… Nothing more. Also waked me up ;(.

My favorite ( the haha type ) is when he starts talking. ‘come fucking’ ‘frick frick frick’ ‘now now yes now’ ‘legs open… fock’. Often it is when he is a bit wilder. Rolling up me and starting the penetration. He speeks often in his sleep btw. Not only for sexxy times.

My favorite ( the oh yes type ) When it comes to sex and I have fun.

The next morning I always ask ‘When during fucking you woke up?’ Sometimes he had the ’ i did it again?’ Sometimes it is ’ somewhere during being inside you. I did xxx. What happened befor ?’

He always (when he can t remember ) thinks it is sad. He misses a bit off the sexy and nice times between us like that.

But tbh… I m the one with the bigger sexdrive. An extra turn when it did not happen when going to bed is for me always welcome.

My partner is 40 and I am 41. We are 13 years together. He has SSRI medication / ADHD stuff and some other medication. Sometimes beta-blockers and atm he takes something that has as a side effect to sleep better. He has often stress at work.
We were looking if the sexsomnia was stress-related but even when it happend than a bit more. It is not only during those times. We have no ID about a trigger.

Now it is yust a part off our relation. Could be months without the sleep-fucking and than in one week 3 times.

We have a good relation. When I found out he has it… We talked. He was upset after hearing what he did and said.

DAMunzy,

You sound like a great couple!

Nounka,

Tkx. We do think so.

Kyrgizion,

As the other half of said couple, thanks! I can corroborate ;) The secret (imho) is communication. I try to model my way of communication/love language after my grandparents, who are approaching their 90’s and are very much still in love.

Nounka,

O ;) You want to share a bit more about that waking up during - feeling.

nutsack,

i dunno that sounds cool

WeeSheep,

I was raped by someone who them rolled over after and asked if we had sex… maybe they weren’t lying? I didn’t push them off because I was also asleep, then in shock. After that I’m told I punch and kick pretty violently in my sleep.

NOT_RICK,
@NOT_RICK@lemmy.world avatar

I’m very sorry that happened to you.

EatATaco,

So I definitely have this, although it’s seems to have waned as I’ve gotten older. We didn’t even know it was a thing, and my wife and I referred to it as “sleep molesting” until I came across it on the Internet one day.

Luckily, it’s only happened when sharing a bed with my wife/gf. Plenty of times her, knowing it happens, just wakes me up to laugh (or be angry i woke her) and tell me to stop. Always scared when I share a bed with someone, even tho it has never happened.

I remember one time going on a ski trip with one my my best friends. We booked one room, but it said it had two beds.

Turns out it didnt, and it was going to be a week. I had to warn him.

His response? “Oh so you suffer what every guy suffers from?”

“Wait, it happens to you too?”

“Yeah i’ll often have a dream where im having sex for some weird reason, like keeping a polar bear out of my igloo, and I’ll wake up having sex with my gf.”

" Yeah, that’s not normal at all."

I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was like “wtf is going to happen? Are we going to have gay sex in our sleep?” Although he is a good looking guy, so if it was anyone it would best if it were him. Lol

FilthyHookerSpit,

How do you know you guys didn’t have sex but neither remembered it lmao

Riven,
@Riven@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

Lul gottem. But really, there’s a non zero chance it happened and they don’t even know, sorta crazy to think about.

EatATaco,

Lol. Now that you mention it, I did have the taste of dick in my mouth one morning.

But seriously, I don’t know if any time I haven’t woken up once we really have gotten into it.

Lath,

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Issues can either be physical or psychological.
Physical can be a natural defect, traumatic defect or production irregularity caused by external influence.
Psychological causes can be singular traumatic events or periodical low-level accumulation of stress.

The course of discovery and treatment is narrowing down the possible causes and finding a solution for rehabilitation.

My presumption for sexsomnia is this:

  • if physical cause, hormone glands irregularities could cause a heightened libido, which could be observed as a form of sex addiction or opposite that, a lack of production for a specific required product which can be suplemmented through sexual acts.
    Alternatively, physical trauma can also have other symptoms such as numbness in the extremities, clumsiness, delayed or knee jerk reactions, slurred speech or misuse or random words etc.
  • if psychological, most likely are a form of anxiety or low self-esteem. If the sufferer has repressed issues in other areas, sexual performance can be seen as a coping mechanism. Introspection and resolving any persistent worries should minimize reoccurrence.
treefrog,

Medicine is really biopsychosocial. Meaning, we’re biological, psychological, and social beings, and often a cause isn’t as cut and dry as it is in the traditional view of medicine. It’s the chicken and the egg.

Is the body causing depression, is the mind, is the environment? Sometimes it’s one of these factors, but often it’s some combination or a combination of all three and often these factors can have feedback loops within them (my jobs sucks, so I drink which makes my job harder which makes it suck more, so I drink harder)

So really, things have to be looked at on multiple levels and in the above situation in particular, psychological treatment should always be part of a multimodal approach because of the psychosocial adjustment element at play and the stress it would cause on the organism (whole person, body and mind).

jackal,
@jackal@infosec.pub avatar

Well, shit. I have this. It actually sucks.

From just this year, I can recall:

  • My spouse smacking my arm when I was furiously masturbating right next to her. I woke up with my erection in my hand. I asked her if she recalled it in the morning but she didn’t even remember smacking my arm.
  • My spouse informing me on two mornings last month about attempting to initiate during the night.

I can’t sleep next to anyone who doesn’t know about the condition and consents to the possibility of having to wake me to stop it. It caused friction in my early marriage (no other serious gfs) but once my spouse helped me realize what I was doing did i understand this occurred.

whereisk,

I believe you but this is identical to werewolf movie tropes.

Sleep in a cage with your arm handcuffed?

mjhelto,

Chastity belt? Handcuffs? Now we’re taking about a good time!

Randelung,

Segufix? Sleepsacks?

Can I join?

jackal,
@jackal@infosec.pub avatar

If my spouse were to ask for me to do that, that would be an actual discussion in which I would seriously consider it. My partner has not asked me for such a request so I don’t consider it.

dependencyinjection,

Bet your siblings were happy when you stopped sharing a bed.

jackal,
@jackal@infosec.pub avatar

This was never something that came up as a child and I didn’t share a room in my teenage years.

doublejay1999,
@doublejay1999@lemmy.world avatar

Sounds like a legal defence

andrewta, (edited )

Not sure why you are getting down voted.

But I doubt it would work. I think the vast majority of juries would not even believe such a thing exists let alone believe someone had it. Judges sadly probably wouldn’t listen either.

I sat on a murder trial as a jury member. What I saw scared me. People openly admitting they would rather put an innocent person behind bars rather then maybe setting a guilty man free. People just voting how others were voting just so they could get out of there (not really looking at the evidence).

I’ve seen cases where judges were reading the exact letter of the law and obviously not reading the intent of said law, because of that people got much harsher sentences then was warranted. Sometimes people get found guilty when they shouldn’t have been.

Sorry I doubt it would work as a defense, except in some rare cases.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

Not sure why you are getting down voted.

Because the implication is that it’s not an actual disorder, just an excuse for rape.

doublejay1999,
@doublejay1999@lemmy.world avatar

Go to your search engine.

Type in :

“rape accused blames sexsomnia”

Come and share your results with the class .

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

Because that means it’s not an actual disorder?

doublejay1999,
@doublejay1999@lemmy.world avatar

The only person who ever questioned it was you.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

No, that was what you implied. I’m far from the only one who thought so.

doublejay1999,
@doublejay1999@lemmy.world avatar

Well that’s funny, because you are the only person to express those thoughts.

I’m afraid You’ve chronically misconstrued a very simple sentence.

BellyPurpledGerbil,

I get it. I have like, life ruining levels of insomnia, which is like 90% because I have extreme nightmares every time I fall asleep. They’re so bad sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes I don’t fall asleep because I know what’s waiting for me when I eventually lose consciousness. I’m so thankful when I have no dreams at all. I’ve talked to doctors and psychologists about it and they just shrug at me like, wow that sounds tough. Nobody has ever helped me with it. And really who would take it seriously? It’s just nightmares right? What adult is afraid to go to sleep? To dream about loved ones dying in gruesome ways right before their eyes? Or getting murdered in horrible ways, tortured to death, trampled, eaten alive by insects, being responsible for killing my whole family in a car crash, falling to death and remembering what the impact felt like, having my eyeballs plucked from my head, my stomach torn open and my guts devoured while I’m still alive. I’m not even close to the end of the list of what I’ve experienced over half of my life. Yeah they’re just nightmares. But I have to experience them. For the rest of my life.

The only fighting chance I’ve been given is to move to a state where weed is legal because it basically prevents me from dreaming at all.

Vej,

I OD’d on Benadryl once, it was like I was both asleep and awake at the same time. Dreaming and experiencing the horrors of what my mind could make worse. All while being nearly paralyzed in fear. That happened one time. It still messes with my head yesrs later.

What happened, do you take something or go to a doctor or therapist?

Syd,

How much is an overdose?

Vej,

A standard dosage for me is an overdose. I have a very low tolerance to Benadryl. Unfortunately, I learned this after that day at the doctor’s office.

stringere,

Went looking for an answer to your question and found this which I did not know was a use for benadryl (well, the active ingredient anyway).

Usual Adult Dose for Insomnia

Diphenhydramine Citrate: 76 mg orally once a day at bedtime

Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride: 50 mg orally once a day at bedtime

www.drugs.com/dosage/diphenhydramine.html

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

Sounds like the fever dream I had when I was a teenager and had mono and hep A at the same time (not uncommon apparently). I was both lying on the living room couch with the TV on and a soldier on a battlefield crawling through the mud. Also, unsurprisingly for me, occasionally I was on Star Trek (which wasn’t what was on TV).

lorkano,

Have you heard about lucid dreaming? It’s effective to learn it against nightmares. You will more often know that you are dreaming therefore making dreams less scary. Apart from that you might be able to take over a bad dream and form it as you wish.

MeekerThanBeaker,

I was gonna suggest lucid dreaming as well… but for me they are far and few in between. Some people can do it every night though. Worth a try.

tamal3,

Eh weed’s not legal in my state, but I smoke it every night to fall asleep… Not trying to be flippant, but sleep is important.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

Is something like delta 8 or delta 10 THC legal in your state? That might work for you. CBD might even work.

RGB3x3,

CBD is a godsend for my wife who has pretty bad anxiety. It’s worth trying for a week or two for sure, especially because you don’t have to go to a doc to get it. And if you don’t like it, just come off it and you’re back where you started.

NOT_RICK,
@NOT_RICK@lemmy.world avatar

Come to NJ, my dreams have largely gone away thanks to the weed store right down the street from my place.

stringere,

Sure they did, Rick.

Amanduh,

Gabapentin helps me with anxiety and I also never dream

CarbonatedPastaSauce,

Your last sentence was exactly what I was going to recommend. I also have bad dreams almost every night, although not as extreme as what you’re describing. But still, I don’t like sleeping and that’s probably why. I also have bad insomnia although mine isn’t related to the bad dreams, that’s just an additional nuisance.

With weed, I sleep peacefully every night. I didn’t start using weed regularly until my late 40’s and now I’m like… why not? Sure as fuck beats getting drunk almost every night to get to sleep which I did through a good chunk of my 30’s. Since I ‘discovered’ weed, I barely drink at all.

xmunk,

It also kicks fucking ass for migraines!

Aganim, (edited )

I’ve tried weed once when I had a migraine, as I’ve heard that statement from others. It’s hard to describe how it felt exactly, but it sure as hell didn’t help me. It felt as if I was locked up inside my head, which was filled with pain and agony. As if there was no world anymore, just pure pain. Definitely a hard ‘nope, never again’ for me.

I’ll just stick with popping a triptane and go to bed. The combination of migraine+triptane always gives me the weirdest dreams, it feels like insurance-covered tripping. 😋

xmunk,

That sucks but as with things neurological different folks will respond differently to different drugs. Considering how painless the side effects are I’d suggest most people give weed a try once for migraines but if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work.

Aganim,

Yeah, my comment was most definitely not meant to warn others against it. Just as a heads-up that it does not work for everyone. And if you do have adverse side effects like I did: it sucks, but keep in mind that it will pass.

etceterar,

I think the thing it does is prevent migraines. I was getting 1-2 a month and now it's 1-2 a year. Smoking after a migraine starts makes me feel like my head might actually fall off my body, no fun.

Ultragigagigantic,
@Ultragigagigantic@lemmy.world avatar

Have you ever tried ketamine therapy? There are clinics in some states. Expensive as fuck, but they exist if you want a guided session with a therapist.

GreyEyedGhost,

I have the first half of this. When I’m disturbed out of my dreams, they’re usually quite violent or bizarre, but I don’t remember them unless someone wakes me up in the middle of them.

The time I dreamt I was remarrying my ex, on the other hand, i woke up on my own and quite distressed, and I couldn’t fall asleep after that for a good half hour.

It’s funny what counts as nightmares for different people.

paddirn,

I woke up once in the middle of having sex with my then-girlfriend. After we finished I was like, “You could’ve woken me up at least before we started.” She was like, “What are you talking about? You started all that!” So I guess it’s a real thing, my body just wants to bang at all hours.

NOT_RICK,
@NOT_RICK@lemmy.world avatar

I have also done this, pretty much the same exact situation. I will say, there are far worse things to wake up to

cactusupyourbutt,

that REALLY depends on the people involved. Not that I disagree with you, it can be nice

NOT_RICK,
@NOT_RICK@lemmy.world avatar

I’ve only ever done it to my wife, thankfully

cactusupyourbutt,

same

catharso, (edited )

Like hundreds of flesh-eating ants all over your body cutting of the soft parts - lips, eyelids, … - with their tiny but razor sharp mandibles?! 😳

Yurgenst,

You okay??

mjhelto,

Ahhh, stop! I can only get so erect!

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