Trying to recoop after getting triggered last night from something completely insignificant
To my #CPTSD it was the end of the world and I just collapsed mentally hyperly aware of how ridiculous it would look to anyone else not feeling what my nervous system was feeling
This is my life as a #TraumaSurvivor and today I'm paying for it with 11/10 physical pain
Within seconds I went from being excited for my #RFF stream
After fighting for that excitement for 48 hrs at least, prepping for the promotional stuff more than 24 hours before
Fighting through my #trauma around self advocacy yesterday morning - something I've had to fight daily since I was laid off in January last year with urgency clawing at my heels
"If you stop your family dies, if you rest your family is gone"
My whole body was shaken and in terror, my mind unable to comprehend wtf is happening
"what's the big deal"
"nothing is happening"
Trying desperately to pull myself together to wait just 5-10 minutes to do what I need to do, gather up the resources to mask and make a #comfy space for anyone who would be there for my music
Fighting voices saying "no one cares, your music is stupid, this is useless, they just pity you, you're a fuck up"
I collapsed and fell apart at the seams within 15 minutes time
While I'm sure the people witnessing the events from the outside had no clue, while feeling ashamed and too broken to explain but also untrusting that they would understand while my #trauma demonizes everyone to "keep me safe"
It hurts and I try to reach out to friends for help, again my mind attacks me because they understandably can't answer within seconds
My present is at a constant battle with my past this is life with #CPTSD
My whole life my solitude has been my fortress of safety
Keep everyone out
Trust no one
Rely on yourself
I'm all I have
You don't need help
Only lazy, weak and clingy shits ask for help
Never cry, never laugh, never let them see you
I pretend to be okay
I pretend to have all my needs
My solitude also keeps others safe - away from my toxicity, away from my weakness, away from my annoying presence, unburdened
Outside taking a chance on a new #therapist looks like nothing, taking a chance to tell a friend I am fucked up and need help looks like nothing, taking a chance and trusting anything or anyone even myself looks like nothing
The truth is I'm moving mountains with an #invisibleIllness that I battle everyday and as my physical body grows weary with lack of food and safety it only makes the battle more steep and intense
I'm thankful for friends who were #glimmers for me last night as I was drowning and couldn't do much more than cry and try to keep my mind from hurting me in so many different ways
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