LehtoriTuomo

LehtoriTuomo, 1 day ago to actuallyautistic

Today I'm thinking about visual clutter affecting one through sensory overdrive.

When I was younger, I didn't clean at home often. It didn't help that my partner/spouse of that time didn't do it either. We lived in the middle of a chaos which most likely didn't treat our mental states well. After the divorce I made a decision to keep my apartment tidy.

Furthermore, my office was usually in chaos. Piles of print-outs and notes, empty energy drink bottles, office supplies etc. filled my desk. I would clean the desk twice a year. Once I got my first temp faculty job, I moved office. I made conscious effort to keep my desk clean.

I'm thinking that my work started making more sense to me once I started keeping my desk clean. Now I'm wondering if all the clutter contributed to being stressed out.

Nowadays I can't imagine how I could live in such a messy apartment or work within a chaos. Neither our house or my office are spot on but neat enough. And it's important to me that both look like there's someone, and not like they'd be out of a PR photo. Even if things get a bit cluttered, it doesn't take too long to make it look nice. Furthermore, I clean the clutter regularly. Overall, this all makes spending time at either place way more comfortable than what I remember from the past.

#ActuallyAutistc @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 2 days ago to actuallyautistic

In the series "so that's an autism thing too": difficulties in cooking. I have hard time coming up with the shopping list outside of the routine things which I always check against a list on my phone. It's especially difficult to plan what particular dishes should be cooked in the following days.

Once I got hang of cooking -- which happened after I had turned 30, almost 35 -- I learned to like cooking when there's no rush and the recipe is clear. I even can improvise, albeit on quite restricted range. However, when my spouse isn't around, I default to microwaving things or eating frozen pizzas.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 4 days ago to actuallyautistic

"Many of us get trapped in a feedback loop of learned helplessness, confusion, shame, and frozenness" - Devon Price in Unmaskin Autism.

Bingo! I relate so much to this!

Sometimes I know I'm supposed to do something at home, or with a group of friends, for instance when cleaning up a place after a party. (I don't mean routine chores at home, those are very clear. If I remember to do them.) However, I don't know what it would be.

I can't ask as I've learned that people don't take it well, they get irritated if one asks what one should do. If I do something small that seems clear enough for me, there's a chance I "do it wrong" and someone else finishes it. If I don't do anything, people will be angry at me for that.

Then I just stand there and people think I'm lazy and get irritated anyway. Now I understand it's my autistic brain freezing, confronted by a badly defined task and unclear expectations.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 4 days ago to actuallyautistic

I've spent most of my professional life in academic circles. However, I had a short stint as a clinical psychologist when my PhD project wasn't funded. This was in the '00s.

I had this one patient who came in diagnosed with severe depression. I was a rookie and felt that I just couldn't help them. Now it hit me that they were autistic.

My studies hadn't prepared me for this; there was barely a mention of autism. I guess it was part of one course on clinical disorders, based on then current research around the turn of the millennium. Furthermore, I was still more than 15 years from my self-diagnosis.

I wonder what happened to them. They stopped coming as they felt therapy was of no use. I can't blame them.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 5 days ago to actuallyautistic

"It might not feel like it's an active step toward self-acceptance or authenticity, but coming to understand yourself as disabled is a pretty dramatic reframing of your life."

• Devon Price in Unmasking Autism

This sentence hits me hard. Haven't thought it using that wording. My internalized ableism screams. "I'm not disabled!" But I am. I need to digest this.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 6 days ago to actuallyautistic

This self-discovery journey has been mostly satisfying. However, sometimes one is not really sure what to think. Overcompensating in order not to appear selfish is to be very helpful. I've thought this is an important part about me. I like to help. Now I read that this might actually be a way of masking. I guess the important part is not to OVERcompensate. And to think about my wellbeing first. Ah well.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 6 days ago to actuallyautistic

I love Unmasking Autism. I've now read almost the first half and there's this constant flow of "that's me!", "oh!" and "wtf?!" from my part.

Part about learning certain characteristics being unwanted and masking by overcompensating for them was especially revealing. Things that really resonated:

"Pretending I didn't know the answers to questions" and "Keeping silent when people said things that weren't true" in order not to appear arrogant.

"Solving problems by myself" and "Not getting 'too excited' about anything, including good things" in order not to appear annoying and loud.

"Nodding or laughing, even when I have no idea what's going on" in order not to appear clueless and pathetic.

"Not voicing my needs" in order not to appear sensitive.

I'm in this picture and I don't like it... It's not that I recognize ever being certain things but I recognize overcompensating.

#ActuallyAutistic #UnmaskingAutism @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 7 days ago to actuallyautistic

I've noticed that I've started unmasking in company where it feels safe. Just little things but still. I love eye contact but instead of doing it constantly, I let my eyes wander or look somewhere else. Then I might become aware that this could be considered rude. I trust that these people don't mind. Stimming a bit. Just a bit.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 7 days ago to actuallyautistic

I'm currently reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and it's super interesting. It surely resonates and I recognize myself in many places.

Reading about "female autism" -- which Price criticizes as a label -- was a real eye opener. I too am a very sensitive and likable person who adjusts to new situations quickly.

For instance, I've noticed ages ago that I take cues from the situation, mirror verbal and nonverbal expressions and mannerisms. I might not give much of my real self if the situation doesn't feel safe. It often doesn't. Plus I'm introverted so there's that.

Another example. When writing to others, I tone my reply to fit the recipient or forum. I've loved using emojis but if the recipient doesn't use them, I haven't used them either.

And now I read this is masking. Mind blown.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 11 days ago to actuallyautistic

Went to a bar with a visiting scholar. The first three hours or so were fun. We had good food and nice whisky. Colleague was chatty and I enjoyed listening.

Then loud drunk people came in. I noticed I had hard time following my colleague's talk. The drunk people started to get on my nerves. I was also very conscious of my pinkish nails. Now that I've paid more attention to my bodily reactions, I noticed how anxious the change of the atmosphere made me.

Fortunately I had already checked my bus schedule and the colleague had said that I can just let him know whenever I have to leave. I said that it's getting loud, then explained I'm autistic and have auditory processing problems and that there would be a bus in 15 minutes. He said that we can leave right away. 💜 Once outside, it felt better again.

The older I get, the less I enjoy noisy bars. Or should I say the less I tolerate them. Never really liked them.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 11 days ago to actuallyautistic

Yesterday I was wearing sunglasses when I went to the city centre as it was sunny. Oh my, what a difference it made to the sensory overdrive. As I mentioned earlier, I like to watch around but had finally noticed that I keep grounding myself by looking at ground due to all the visual input. Sunglasses took the edge off and it was way easier to look at things.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 12 days ago to actuallyautistic

Mentioned to a coworker that I'm getting some books, for example on autism, and as they showed interest in the topic, proceeded to lightly info dump. Did give some space so that it was a true conversation. However, it reminded me of a thing I've been pondering.

As I present male, I've always been overly cautious of not mansplaining -- or at least ever since I learned about the term. Now that I know I'm autistic, I understand it's entangled with having learned that NTs don't like infodumping.

Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to stay silent even if I know about the topic at hand but aren't 100% certain that it's appropriate to talk about it. Sometimes it makes me sad.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 13 days ago to actuallyautistic

Yay, got some new books!

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 14 days ago to actuallyautistic

Only very lately, I've started to understand how loud sounds affect me. It's a strange combination of self-controlled loud music (yes, please) and uncontrollable, sometimes sudden, loud sounds making me very tense. I mentioned a loud stop signal in a bus yesterday.

The tensest I get is when our dog, who just turned one, starts to whine at the end of a car ride. We try to teach her that she needs to be quiet in order to get out. When she's agitated it might take a while. It's loud and I feel empathetic and get very tense. I can feel it everywhere in my body. Another example is when she repeatedly barks in a small space, such as our sauna cabin by the summer cottage. It might reverbarate in the structures, and my head.

Another type of sound that gets to me is the sound of brushing. It's physically uncomfortable, has always been. The worst is when a tractor is brushing gravel off the road after the winter. Almost makes me shudder to think about it. Always wondered why it's so uncomfortable. Now with self-diagnosed autism I get it.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 15 days ago to actuallyautistic

Sitting in the bus after a day at work. Feeling tired. The meeting that ended the day dragged on and I stopped even trying to follow the discussion. I haven't listened to music in a bus in ages but now I find myself thinking that maybe I should buy a set of noise-canceling headphones.

The bus is hissing loudly, there are conversations that I can't hear which somehow makes them even more annoying. On top of all I'm sitting under a loudspeaker that plays the stop signal in a very loud tone. Shit, it rang again and startled me. Why does it have to be that loud?

Fortunately I'm not too far from home but still.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 18 days ago to actuallyautistic

Regarding childish things. I just changed my phone theme and fell in love with this cute theme. For some context, I'm approaching 50, have long hair and beard, often wear band shirts.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 19 days ago to actuallyautistic

One reason why it took me so long to self-diagnose autism is that I thought I don't stim. In fact, once I learned that I do stim, my self-diagnosis process kicked in. That was the first time I said to myself that I might actually be autistic.

The reason for this misunderstanding was that I thought stimming is stereotypical, very repetitive, compulsory movement. I guess this misunderstanding is quite common.

I've since learned that stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, is basically stimulating one's sensory system in certain ways. It may be a way to soothe oneself, help to focus in overwhelming situations by feeding one's brain predictable sensory input, a way to express joy, or simply something that feels nice. Movements are part of it but any sense can be used.

When googling the term, there are mentions that also neurotypicals stim but that when diagnosing autism, stimming is somehow different -- only socially unacceptable stims are "real" stims. Bah.

I've started paying attention to how and when I stim, and collect a list of stims I do. I've noticed all types of stimming behavior (soothing, focusing, joy, fun). I do it more than before -- or maybe I just notice it more often. I've noticed that I love moving my body parts, especially to music. I also love different textures.

#ActuallyAutistic #stimming @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 25 days ago to actuallyautistic

Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 26 days ago to actuallyautistic

Just walked to the city center in beautiful sunlight. Paid attention to the sensory overdrive. The visuals were screaming at me but the world is so beautiful!

As I said elsewhere, I enjoy watching the surroundings. However, now I was super aware that I ground myself by looking back at the ground all the time. A glance or three around, then back to the ground. Just looking at the surroundings would be overwhelming, especially now that everything was bathing in sunlight.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 26 days ago to actuallyautistic

I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 28 days ago to actuallyautistic

It's funny to think how many autistic traits I found in me ages ago but still never connected the dots. For instance, info dumping or "changing the topic to me".

I learned long ago that info dumping is love language used by autistic people, sharing something one feels passionate about with another. However, since NTs don't feel the same way, I've toned down this habit a lot.

As for talking about one's own experiences, it's a form of showing sympathy and connecting with the other person. I didn't understand this on my part and hated how I did it. In some Ally McBeal episode there was a scene where someone (Biscuit maybe) told Ally that she managed to turn the topic to herself in record time of six seconds. I used this as an inspiration in song lyrics I once wrote: "Six seconds was the record / I guess I beat it this time / You wanna hear the story line?" As you may guess, I've repressed this trait of mine as well.

I wonder in which other ways I'm masking without realizing it...

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 29 days ago to actuallyautistic

I had a work meeting with two colleagues. Towards the end of the meeting, I noticed I was clenching my jaw. Once the meeting was over, the feeling slowly passed.

I started thinking what had happened. I'm not exactly sure but I think I wasn't clenching when we were discussing science. It only happened when we were off to a non-work topic. Even if it was one of my favorite topics, music, I guess we were now off the script and my mind became alert. I wonder if this has happened often in the past...

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo, 29 days ago to actuallyautistic

I read about auditory processing difficulties a week or so ago. References mentioned difficulty of processing spoken instructions as one symptom. I thought that I don't have such difficulty.

This weekend, my spouse told about how she and the dog have now practiced walking on the same side of the path instead of the dog going everywhere. I asked how they have done it. She explained her three point procedure, at which point I said it sounds complicated.

Another heureka moment for me! The procedure certainly wasn't difficult. It was the number of points. For me, two points would've been ok, the third point caused my brain to give a "can not process" error message. Turns out I do have difficulties in processing oral instructions.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic