@bampot@mastodon.scot
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

bampot

@bampot@mastodon.scot

Just your ordinary average everyday Scottish bampot and relator of infantile jocundity
Toots will self destruct in 10 days .Good Luck ..cue theme tune ..doo. doo .doo ra .. doo. doo .doo ra
#ScotsLanguage #ScottishIndependence #History #Humour #Nonsense and of course #Swearing

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JackTheCat, to random
@JackTheCat@mastodon.scot avatar

2 ticks this morning. One nestled on my calf and another big bugger - after feasting on me obvs - on my belt line. Gah! 😫

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@JackTheCat
eeeeeecks! They ur fur defo no likey beasties an like midgies the wee feckers git everywher.
They shuid aw be pit up against a wa' an shot.
Ah will add thaim tae ma list right noo afore ah forget..Whers ma book?
Jings ,they will be nummer ten oan the list tae be gaun up against a wa' efter the revolution !

bampot, (edited )
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@Wen @JackTheCat
No if thers enough eh the wee bastards aw glued tae the bullseye rash it's no ! :CrowKnife: :face_blob_smort:

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

How fuckin easy ur these chatbots tae suss.
Furst aw ye huv tae dae is confuse thaim by replyin wey nonsensical gibberish en ask thaim a question based oan yer nonsense an they will reply wey a full wurd fur wurd detailed Googlies answer.
Bots ur nae mair thin dim humourless easily manipulated automated databases, an a pure joy tae annoy!

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Ma bestest pal ever went tae the butchers an got squer slicin, links, black puddin, haggis, dumplin an tattie scones jist fur me .
Fortunately we huv eggs
Know whit ah'm huvin fur ma tea the night?
Gaun ah'll gie ye three guesses.
Och naw ..No mince oan toast again or cornflakes an mince or even cornflakes oan toast wey mince an jam.
Moi will be huvin a proper full Scottish breakfast fur tea ..Heeeucht!
Ah mibbes huv a bit nutritional toast wey that mind.
Cue the pipes.
Ya dancer!

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

That is wan treasonous,self servin, corrupt, sleekit, snidey ,creepin ,crawlin ,low life fucker.
Time tae nash sharpish ,no hink ?

#ScottishIndepndence ..Is no longer a matter of urgency it has become a matter of necessity.

#YouYesYet

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Comin fae a corrupt unelectit squatter in a country thit hus done nohin mair thin looted, served violence ,torture ,deportation an enforced slavery oan the orrer three countries it inhabits these islands wey, alang wey every orrer country in the world it hus invaded ,ah wid say thit the thievin short ersed, short troosered Mini Me Tory ther hus a dodgy history book ,dodgy dictionary an 30p values.
Prepare yersels fur some extreme votin, real soon..Heeeeeucht!
#ScottishIndpendence

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Dear Pishy
We Scottish Nationalists ur happy in the knowledge thit we will very soon be free ,unlike yersell ya lyin ,thievin,unelectit wee fucker ,it's the pokey fur you Sucrack boy.
So it's a byeeeeee fae us up here in the Free an Independent Country of Scotland.
..Heeeeeeeucht!

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Ya beauty ,jist browsin oot eh boredom ,as ye dae, ah huv managed tae procure fur masel a brand new Alcatel 2038x phone .
Wance considert tae be a disposable workies phone these devices ur noo collectors items but jist happen tae be functioning an unspying hings eh beauty.
Wait tae the granweans git a load eh this brick,it will be "I wouldn't be seen dead with that antique "
Well jist make sure ye dinnae meet yer demise wey dirty underwer an a push button phone in yer haun en .. Ay!

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Ma erm an pish ur headin up tae visit the phlebotomist
The day is a big wan so ma vampiristic buddie will sook oot near a hale ermfae eh vital bodily fluids thit en head fur the Quackentstein Lab far away high up oan the hill.
Whit astonishes me is thit Igor drains ma erm here ,sends these vials miles oor the watter tae the Quack Lab an by 6 o'clock the night ah will huv 2 pages eh highly specialised results oan ma computer screen.
Gaunny say somehin bad aboot NHS Scotland ..Gaun..ah dare ye!

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@melanie
The Scottish NHS an health matters are devolved tae Scotland.

Fortunately ah'm no contagious ,obnoxious mibbes!
An ay ,they still wer aw the gear up at the surgery ,plus the appointments system now means there are only 5 at a time in the well ventilated waiting room ,patients enter through the front door and leave via the back door. Unless urgent, doctors appointments are carried out over the phone or a referral is made tae be seen next door at the wee hospital.

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@melanie
Yip agreed Scotland is an occupied county but Westminster cannot stick their noses into matters already devolved ,they have interfered with some new legislation passed by all parties in the Scottish Parliament in their petty vengeful attempts to stamp their authority claiming these issues would disrupt the UK as a whole ,but who cares ..We are offski .. is nigh, and that is a guaranteed certainty .
This is the Scottish peoples choice not theirs.

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Water cremation: sustainable body disposal is coming to Scotland

Following a public consultation in 2023, the Scottish government has announced plans to introduce regulations that would permit the use of alkaline hydrolysis.

The consultation found that 84% of respondents supported the introduction of alkaline hydrolysis as an alternative to burial and cremation in Scotland. As a result, Scotland could be the first devolved nation in the UK to do so.

https://theconversation.com/water-cremation-sustainable-body-disposal-is-coming-to-scotland-here-are-the-benefits-229213

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Exclaim they "Jings! Where did you get the ringtone? That is the school programmes introduction by Hocus Pocus "
Says I " Fur someone who either leaves ther purse or hauf the messages in the shoap everyday yer powers eh recollection astonish me at times ,the tune is actually the intro tae House of the King by Focus"
"Admittedly I couldn't remember the name of the song" Replies the smug smile "But I knew Hocus Pocus did it"
Ay well, they've only hud the album fur 50 year!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lv8YR68vcA

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Says I tae the dug "You ur particularly honkin eh coo shit this mornin so ah huv decided thit this is the perfect day fur yer nice bath"

"I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request " Replies the dug "Means fuck off"

"You watch far too much telly "Said I tae ma hauf coo pat hauf canine buddy "Yer gittin a bath ,end off"

"Yer gaunny need hauners " Reply they wey a long ster fae ther smelly bed
"Ah hud anticipated yer reluctance ,an as if by magic Walla! Here's yer uncle BB"
"Fuck!" Say they

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@Thebratdragon
Our previous resident collie also loved a bath and would refuse to come out but this fella jist disnae like clean water, at all.
On the other hand ,you can't keep him out the sea or the loch or nice soft coo shit ! ha ha

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@Wen @Thebratdragon
I think that's a collie thing ,all of ours even Hyper Boy here love the water, one of them actually worried me quite often by disappearing out to sea ,and these cross channel attempts were without a ball or Frisbee to retrieve ,as soon as they clapped eyes on the water, in they went and just kept going !

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Live updates: John Swinney to be first minister as Greens abstain

The votes have been tallied up and John Swinney will be Scotland’s next first minister.

The vote numbers were as follows:

Alex Cole-Hamilton – 4
Douglas Ross – 31
Anas Sarwar – 22
John Swinney – 64
Abstentions – 7

https://www.thenational.scot/news/24302933.live-updates-john-swinney-first-minister-greens-abstain/

JackTheCat, to random
@JackTheCat@mastodon.scot avatar

I never liked Mumford & Sons and I'm greatly relieved to have finally got that off my chest.

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@JackTheCat
Agreed the horse wis funnier thin thaim !

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

"What kind of haircut is that ? You look like something out of a 1950's all American boy poster" Says Mr Teenager tae I
Says I tae they " This is called a Free Style duder which is a nummer 3 back an sides wey a nummer 5 comb run oor the tap,an unlike your 28 quid a pop 1980's posers quiff, which is nae mair thin a nummer 3 back an sides wey fuck all aff the tap, ah still huv £28.00 in ma pocket,sit in this chair an ah will demonstrate how easy it is tae save cash"
At this moment they vanished!

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

At a loss ?
Need something constructive to do ?
Then fear not ,help is at hand.
Simply print out this magnificent poster and colour it in...Boab's yer Granny, sorted.

Note : Jumbo crayons and coloured pencils are not supplied

May The Fourth Be With You Citizens

fkamiah17, to UKpolitics
@fkamiah17@toot.wales avatar

When you're watching your access to government disappear in real time 🤣 🤣

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@fkamiah17
ha ha .. Made me chuckle.
But oan the orrer haun ,hus that odious creature no jist hud a well slapped erse furra face since birth?
Who knows, mibbes the midwife concerned picked the wrang bit up an skelped fuck oot the placenta :blob_foxhyper2:

bampot,
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

@fkamiah17
Naw ah'm no !

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Contact adhesive ,easy stuff,spray it oan ,leave it fur five en stick yer crap doon.
An everyhin wis gaun fine tae, until ah came intae contact wey the stuff, en everyhin jist kina went pear shaped!
Fast forward an hour
Well that will be me jist unstuck strips eh carefully precut laminate edging fae ma dail an forerms ,ah jist need tae git ma hauns clean noo but ah've run oot eh WD40!
Ay,nohin else takes this shit aff!
Top Tip: Dinnae stick yer heid intae a cupboard ye've jist sprayed wey glue!

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

Donald Tusk claims Poles will be richer than Brits by 2029 as ‘it’s better to be in the EU’

Donald Tusk, the former president of the European Council, claimed forecasts show Poland is on track to have a higher GDP per capita than the UK by 2025.

Romania, with an average annual growth of 3.8 per cent and Hungary with 3 per cent, could also overtake the UK by 2040 if forecasts are accurate.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/donald-tusk-eu-brexit-rishi-sunak-b2537897.html

bampot, to random
@bampot@mastodon.scot avatar

"Whats for tea?" Says they tae me
"Whit wid ye like fur yer tea ?" Says I tae they
"Ah quite fancied one of your homemade Chinese takeaway curries " Reply they
Sais I in retort "Well fortunately ma psychic powers ur oan form the day cause yer huvin baker's takeaway pie an bridie wey beans accompanied by ma hamemade oven chips !"

Know whit ah'm daein noo ?
Ay, makin a roux furra curry sauce,well ah hud tae efter that long heid doon oor the spectacles ster eh total disgust !

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