What thoughts/memories did you have before coming out, in hindsight, are big signs you were trans?
I feel that I should preface this by warning questioning people that looking for signs is generally not a good way to find out if you’re trans. Different people experience being trans in different ways.
Thank you lady_scarecrow for the above disclaimer. Very good advice ❤️
I could never explain why I always wore long sleeves and pants when I went to school. I don’t think there was a single day where I went to school in shorts, and not a single day I went to school without long-sleeves (some days I would wear short-sleeve shirts but I would bring a long sleeve shirt to put over it). I felt exposed and uncomfortable otherwise. I was a good student, but the only class I did poorly in was gym because they graded you based on whether you dressed according to dress-code, and I refused because it required changing into shorts and a short-sleeved t-shirt in a locker room full of boys. I tried it a couple times but just couldn’t keep doing it. I think the teachers thought I was just defiant or something, but I was meek and just uncomfortable.
I remember being in third grade and wearing a literal winter coat to school every day in the heat of summer (this being in the south). I remember being extremely sweaty and uncomfortable on the bus rides especially where it was crowded and there wasn’t AC, but I never took that coat off.
I never understood why I always felt ashamed of my body and wanted to cover every part of it. Before realizing I am trans I thought maybe I had a repressed memory of sexual abuse or something, but now it makes more sense to me why I had that kind of relationship to my body.
This was me. Oh my god I always needed my clothing to cover as much as possible. Always hated shorts because I thought my legs were disgustingly hairy (not really) and I needed to wear a hoodie everywhere. No matter how hot it was.
Strangely I hid my legs before the hair started coming in, but I do think it got more intense after that.
I guess that’s another memory / thought that didn’t make sense until after transition. When hair started to come in on my legs when I was a teenager, I really didn’t like it and started shaving it, despite also feeling insecure about my masculinity and wishing I were like the other boys in my puberty (which was coming too late and too weak to keep up). I wanted to be normal and that was more important, but I still hated the changes that came with male puberty (though I didn’t think of it that way, I didn’t really contextualize it, I just instinctively shaved it until I felt I couldn’t keep getting away with it).
I did the same thing basically. Also started shaving my arms for a while because they got to a point where they seemed “too” hairy. Stopped and had to play boy when I got made fun of for it. 😓
Laying in bed willing my body to become feminine. When they said blow out the candles and make a wish, or wishing in a falling star, always wishing I could just be a girl.
Along the same lines: being amused by egg_irl and yet feeling a vague and nebulous yet irresistible sense that it would be dangerous to subscribe and therefore avoiding it.
I knew I needed to feel desired in order to fall for someone. And I kept running into women who just didn’t get it and acted all entitled. It just seemed like incredibly bad luck to me. Looking back, I’ve only ever really gotten anywhere with women who made me feel special. And they were always bi or lesbian.
Like sure, I definitely tried taking charge many times. I’ve certainly never lacked in courage or stupidity. But there always came this point where I was like: ok now you… when will you take me someplace special? And it would fall flat and I’d stop caring.
But let’s be honest I bet that’s the same experience a lot of hetero women have gone through with boys.
And now it’s totally different. There’s men who can give me that feeling with just a glance, and I’m up for exploring that. I’ll also keep dating lesbians but so far it has been lacking in intensity and has been quite lame.
Up until I realized that I am trans, I always felt really awkward going into the men’s restroom. I would always check the signs like 5 times and then I’d go in, see the urinals, and still feel like I was somehow in the wrong place.
I also hated having my top off, and I rarely swam until I discovered rash guards. In middle school we were required to do swimming for gym and they didn’t allow me to wear my rash guard and I felt so embarrassed the entire time.
I relate hard to the men’s restroom feelings. To the point I avoided going in public at all costs.
Over the weekend was actually the very first time I used the woman’s restroom. I would of held it but damn does Spiro make me need to pee, lol.
I waited till no one was in there and it was both exhilarating and relieving (more ways than one, hehe!). Had the added bonus of wearing a face mask to better blend in. Looked up in the mirror while washing my hands and saw a woman. I saw me ❤️
Congrats on using the women’s restroom for the first time! I know it takes a lot of courage, and the first time I did my mother and sister went with just in case there were problems, and it was still quite nerve wracking because there were a lot of other women in there too.
Spiro is indeed a bitch sometimes lol. I appreciate that it blocks my T, but damn does it makes me have to piss a lot. I can’t wait to get an orchi some day lol.
Very early interactions with other children. Pretty much always being one of the girls, and taking part in activities mostly done by girls while not all that interested in the traditional guy activities.
The school had these horizontal bars my girl friends and I would twirl around endlessly. Did a lot of roleplaying with this same group of friends, including classic ‘damsel in distress’ scenarios, which I related to in particular. Had a crush on one of these girls, and it turns out she fought her best friend over my attention. Cue the 9-year old first relationship experience. We managed to keep it going for a year and a half until she wanted to french kiss me and I chickened out. Worst mistake of my life. 😅
The both of us were real big Tomb Raider fans back then, which was probably my first time experiencing the “be, or be with” confusion. We both had a pretty good claim at the “being” part, since we were both really into gymnastics and pretty bad ass people overall (at least as much as a 9-year old has any right to be). Naturally this would become a problem for roleplaying purposes, which I understood, so I was content being Indiana Jones instead. Looking back at those times something was definitely off there.
Then there’s the mostly relating to female characters part in general, which never really stopped. And today I just consider this part of who I am. I have female role models, deal with it!
I have been refered to with the feminine variant of my name by a girl friend from next door when I was a kid. Made me wonder if she actually knew my name, no confusion at all at being “misgendered” there. Turns out, she was onto something. Currently debating using both forms of my name interchangably to see what it’s like.
Had a first real crossdressing experience when I was about 13 years old, which was for a school play. Probably enjoyed being dolled up with the help of classmates way more than the average cis male should. Once again, hindsight is 20/20.
Most of the stronger signs are a recent thing though, and I see daily life in a different light now. It’s actually kinda fun going out in public and looking at women around my age because the confusing part is over. I can now just look at women and either crush on them, envy them or both at the same time (which is unexpectedly thrilling). I guess it’s similar to the experience a bisexual friend of mine described after coming out. “There’s no more pressure, I can just look at others and enjoy, instead of feeling confused”.
I’m kind of in a mental state where being trans is probably a good fit for me, but I’m trying to figure out more before committing to any coming out or transitioning. So I expect to keep experimenting to get a grip on who I want to be. In the mean time it’s posting here as an outlet and figuring out what I can get away with in my appearance in daily life without having to explain what’s going on.
Some advice on waiting to commit: don’t wait to figure out your gender to do X; wait until you’re confident you want to / would benefit from doing X to do X, regardless of if you’ve figured out your gender. And if the risk is low, maybe just try it anyway.
I waited a while to start HRT because I was worried I might not really be a girl, and I’m actually still unsure. But that’s not the right question, the question I should’ve been asking was if I thought it’d help me vs the risk of being wrong, and I had known for a long time it would almost certainly be a huge net positive. I started 3 months ago and my only regret is not trying sooner, especially since I knew back then too.
Oh thank you for this! I definitely want to actively explore further, and I don’t really think of it as gatekeeping myself behind the right label.
It’s mostly me being conscious and afraid of making decisions that have a lasting impact, like coming out (even if it’s just about the fact that I’m figuring things out). Physical changes that can’t easily be reversed are still a ways away.
But I will try to take your advice to heart and allow myself to take some steps. There’s always the option of chickening out, right?
At around 8, I told my cousin’s friends I was a girl, I didn’t understand their laughter. At 10, I distinctly recall thinking that it would be nice if I could live half my life as a man and half as a woman. Around then, I started reading through my mom’s medical books and found GID listed as a diagnosis. At the time, I remember thinking a diagnosis would be scary and something that I couldn’t walk back, so I became obsessed with finding an alternate diagnosis that could get me a prescription that would have a similar effect.
Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green day (Music Video Dialog)---
[young couple relaxing together in a beautiful meadow]
Boy:
"You know they say life is short. They say you wake up one day and, on that day, all of your dreams and, everything you wished for and you wanted are, gone just like that. Ya know? People... People get old and, ya know things change and and situations change and, what I want is I just, I want this moment right now this day, my feelings for you, the way you look right now, the way I look at you, I just want this to last forever. Ya know?"
Girl:
"And it will. I mean no matter what we've always had this and had each other. You know nothing can change that. But I just want you to know, no matter what you always have somebody here for you, always and, I'm never gonna leave you. I'm never gonna leave you. [kiss] I love you."
Boy:
"I know. I know."
Girl:
"Don't ever leave me."
Boy:
"I won't."
Girl:
"Don't ever leave."
Boy:
"I won't, I won't."
[first part of song plays while video clips show their happy memories together]
[after about 90 seconds, song fades out abruptly as girl bursts out of house to confront boy]
Girl:
"Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't."
Boy:
"Do what?"
Girl:
"Tell me you didn't do it."
Boy:
"Didn't do what?"
[she slaps him]
Girl:
"Tell me you didn't do it please please tell me you didn't do it. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! No no please don't do this! Don't do this!"
Boy:
"Don't do this don't do this."
Girl:
"Please! How could you do that and not tell me?!"
Boy:
"Don't do this don't do this. I wanted to tell you I was just-"
Girl:
"I love you so much!"
Boy:
"I love you too."
Girl:
"Don't!"
Boy:
"Oh stop stop stop just listen I-"
Girl:
"How could you do this to me? How could you do this? Oh my god! Oh my god!"
Boy:
"Wait I thought of all people you would understand. Why don't you understand? I did this for us! I did this for us!"
Girl:
"Oh my god! No no no!"
Boy:
"This is supposed to make it easier! I thought you'd be proud of me! I though at least of all people you would understand why I did this!"
Girl:
"Oh god oh my god!"
[second part of song plays while video clips show boy boarding bus to boot camp, getting head shaved, and going off to fight for the USA during the invasion of Iraq]
[song continues to play to the end while showing video clips of boy in war scenes and girl coping with loneliness and concern for his life]
That video was so emotionally raw and intense, and I was still a kid when I saw it. I somehow didn't know the video was about the invasion of Iraq after 9/11, or I forgot. I just totally lost myself in the story of the couple.
I felt deeply about the argument, confident that I knew and truly understood what he had done and why he'd done it, in a way that most people couldn't possibly understand.
Then as he got off the bus and the Sergent (or whatever) was yelling at him and the line of other guys, I started to get confused. When I saw the scene of all the guys getting their heads shaved one-by-one, it clicked in my head that what he'd done was sign up for the military to be shipped off to Iraq.
So what had I thought he'd done?
I had thought he'd submitted all the paperwork to have a sex change surgery and that she had found the confirmation letter indicating the scheduled date of surgery. And I had thought that "sex change surgery" meant having the genitals completely removed.
I feel that I should preface this by warning questioning people that looking for signs is generally not a good way to find out if you’re trans. Different people experience being trans in different ways.
Having said that… There were so many signs. Daydreaming about being a girl. Being uncomfortable about being shirtless in public. Feeling a deep admiration for women. Nearly only relating to female characters. Never falling in love for gay men despite being attracted to men.
I remember when I was playing the sims. I made a female character and the game was so much fun. Then after my sim died, I decided to make a male character, and suddenly I lost interest in the game. It was the exact same game, but being a woman just seemed so much more fun… I should’ve known.
Thank you for that. And you are absolutely right! Questioning people looking for signs is not a good idea because it all comes from within. It is self discovery and not something other people can put on you.
Do you mind if I use your first paragraph as an actual preface in my post? I will of course give you credit.
I feel that I should preface this by warning questioning people that looking for signs is generally not a good way to find out if you’re trans. Different people experience being trans in different ways.
As I see it at least, the one thing that actually matters is finding out if you’d be happier living as a different gender than the one you currently live as.
I put that disclaimer there because I’ve seen many posts from people saying they think they might be trans, “but I didn’t have any childhood signs”, “but I don’t see myself as [insert gender here]”, “but I don’t have dysphoria” (very often they do, they just fail to recognize it as such). My sibling in Christ, none of that matters. If you know you’d rather live as a different gender than the one you’re living as, just do it.
i had this whole argument with my mom when i was like, 5, because i didn’t understand why i wasn’t a boy. i preferred boy things, i should be a boy. she was very insistent i was a girl.
my parents ended up divorcing not long after this but that was mainly prompted by mom fucking off for approximately six months.
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