Anyone with #ADHD and/or #ASD can tell me about their experience with masking?
I have a hard time relaxing and recharging my social batteries unless I'm alone or just in the company of animals.
How do you manage #masking and your social battery around your SO? Is it possible to deprogram the automatic tendency to mask even with people you love?
To give you an idea about my masking, I feel like my social interactions are based on following a script or doing a performance even if it's super unconscious and automatic.
Just learned about the concept but it's evident that this is what I'm doing constantly when interacting with people and the reason why I crave alone time to unwind and recharge.
@Wander
Some of co-living with other people as an autistic person is just practice. I have conversations with her about my autistic bullshit and get confirmation both physically and verbally that she loves me not just despite my oddities, but that she loves ALL of me, including my oddities. Which makes me feel safer to unmask around her.
We also have periodic scheduled "real talk" time where we have to honestly talk about our relationship, what things are bugging us, what things each other could do to make life a little easier, etc. It helps to have a specific time and place I'm allowing myself to talk about shit.
Finally, we have a few different nonverbal cues for how I can express my needs and boundaries. Like if I'm overstimulated and need quiet and dark, I go to our room and lay down with the lights off. But sometimes her presence is a comfort, other times it's a complication, so if the door is open, she's welcome to come and cuddle if she wants. If I knock on the nightstand it means PLEASE come and cuddle. If I shut the door, it means I need to be alone, just deal with the outside world without me and only come in if it's an actual emergency.
@Wander Deprogramming is possible, but it does take active practice and finding new ways to communicate.
It took a long time for myself to understand why I don't smile a lot, I have very little energy day to day, and that I have a lot of anxieties around how my partner feels about me.
It's hard to explain when it's so personalized, but there's a good chance you're masking because of -something- that's probably buried so deep you can't even remember.
@Wander After a while, reasoning can come to the surface, but you have to let yourself be comfortable with being comfortable & very open - even when you feel like you're being petty or silly.
For my spouse it's things like: 'My brain keeps telling me your mad about something, even tho I know your not.'
And I have to respond with (truthful) validation: 'I'm not mad! But I am uncomfortable with where I am right now, and I feel bad because I don't want to let you down at your family's wedding.'
@Wander Before when I was masking it would end at 'I'm not mad! I promise!'. But now he knows -why- I might not be acting socially.
And he knows this isn't something either of us can really change or control - but it does tell him that when I leave to 'get air' it's entirely got nothing to do with him, and it's something I need.
Before I couldn't 'feel' how uncomfortable I was, I just knew I was just not fully present. So I couldn't really explain it.
being physically uncomfortable because of the change of clothes texture
feelings of overwhelm in crowds, especially strangers
a change in eating times which my body does not like.
These have always been present, but my awareness was not because it was buried under a metric ton of 'I'm being stupid'. And as I slowly learn how my body is actually feeling I can explain to my SO what is really going on.
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