Any advice on how to get back into wanting to be in a relationship after problems?

classic, 2 months ago

Look into PACT Stan Tatkin. Or EFT, Imago, Gottman. Couple therapy has to be more than hashing it out with a witness in order to be effective.

like someone else said, not a lot of info on which to provide feedback but IME many couples fail to create new experiences together as well as fail to really learn to make their partner a source of support. So the 'magic' wanes. Except it's not a matter of magic but of the right behaviors

candywashing, 2 months ago

Thanks for the suggestions, I’ll check them out.

And the new experiences makes a lot of sense

jjjalljs, 2 months ago

Is there a particular reason you want to stay together? You could just break up and, after some time for healing, meet someone new. You don’t have to make yourself miserable. There are plenty of people. Many you could fall in love with.

candywashing, 2 months ago

I’ve been told I’m loyal to a fault, so that could have something to do with it

And yeah, completely agree, there are other fish in the sea. I think I just want this relationship to work because we have had such a good time in the beginning and also harder since we are more tied socially and financially now (not a reason to stay, just makes it harder to leave)

jjjalljs, 2 months ago

Yeah, factors like how old you are and how financially secure you are matter. I wouldn’t recommend staying just because it was good once. Things change. That’s okay.

Azzu, 2 months ago

I don’t have good advice for the resolution you want. So stop reading here if you only want advice for getting the outcome you described here.

With the little information you gave, it sounds to me like I personally would better like to be alone than in this kind of relationship. I don’t have a need to “save” a relationship at all.

I do a lot of self-improvement and think I have very little unresolved personal issues. I love myself a lot and thus would like to be kind to myself and not let myself try to be in a relationship that doesn’t feel good. I would know that there are people out there with whom a better relationship will be possible.

candywashing, 2 months ago

Very understandable

Kit, 2 months ago (edited 2 months ago)

I have a lot to say on this subject but I’m not in a position to type a novel. Commenting as a reminder to check back on this later tonight. Tl;Dr takes a lot of work and soul searching.

Edit: Finally getting around to this. The holiday was super busy.

My partner and I have been through many ups and downs. The secret I’ve found is to force yourself to have adventures together. Go hiking somewhere you’ve never been, attend an event, take a vacation to the beach. Make memories!

Also, what really clicked for me was advice I received from my therapist. Imagine a chart with submissive/dominant on one axis and nice/mean on the other. Chart out exactly where you want your partner to be, and have them do the same.

Then you do the work to encourage your partner to get to your ideal place, and they do the same for their ideal. If you want them to be nicer, be nicer to them. That part of the axis is nice-to-nice and mean-to-mean. But the other axis is opposite - if you want them to be more dominant, then you need to be more submissive and vice-versa.

My partner and I tried this strategy very deliberately for a few weeks and it did wonders for us. Eventually it stuck. Our dynamic is now very powerful and fulfilling.

Admittedly we’re still struggling with intimacy after an affair on his part, but I feel hopeful that we’ll make it work.