Their goals are not your goals: power and control in a coparenting dynamic
One issue I often see (and dealt with myself) is trying to truly understand that a narcissistic parent isn't doing what you think they are doing.
I deliberately avoid the "coparenting" label when the other parent is a narcissist because you can't coparent with someone whose goals are not to parent in the first place. (Look up parallel parenting for a better option.)
For a healthy parent, your goal is to care for your kids, teach them happiness, self-sufficiency, responsibility, and kindness.
For a narcissist, their only goal in life is to try to shore up their constantly eroding sense of self. Underneath everything, even under their own consciousness, they are utterly terrified. In their own minds, that terror justifies them in their behavior. The only way they believe they are worth anything is if they control what is around them.
Everything a narcissist does is to that end: to gain and keep control, and thereby self-value. There is no limit to what they will do to gain whatever control they can get. That's all they have.
That leaves you three choices: to control, to be controlled, or to make gaining control not worth it to the narcissist.
If you do the first indiscriminately, you become like them. The second alone leaves you a victim. Grey rock utilizes the third, and comes with its own risks.
When parenting with a narcissist, you have to find a balance of all three.
First, have a parenting plan that is a court order. Narcissists tend to fear and respect the law insofar as they can't manipulate it.
Second, stick to the plan without exception. That keeps them from finding weak links. That means you need to let go of control in defined ways. (It's emotionally difficult, but necessary.)
Third, dry up the source of drama. Don't give them any emotional reactions. That makes it worth less than it costs for them to push. It takes them a LONG time to learn that lesson, so be persistant and patient.
Finally, set up a system of self-care. Whatever gives you energy, build it into your life. You need to stay energized to survive.
It is possible to define the dynamic if you understand what they really want.
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