I adore my children. But kids really don't understand the difference between private and secret, no matter how much you try to teach them.
Narcs know this. Because they can't simply move on with their lives, they will pump your kids for information about you. And your kids, learning this behavior, will overshare about their other parent.
The only way to handle this is clear and immovable boundaries.
Besides teaching them the difference between personal business (dating life) and secrets (that dad pushed you up against the wall and told you not to tell,) you have to learn how to keep your personal life quiet from the people you live with.
Take personal calls when they are at school, or in parent time with their other parent. Closed doors do not mean closed ears.
Pamper yourself when they are away. Whatever fills your bucket, don't feel guilty about doing it in spades when they are gone. Overdo it. Throw yourself into things that bring you peace and joy. If they don't have parent time, arrange for them to stay with friends or family a few nights per month. This isn't selfish, it's necessary for you to be a good parent.
Keep plans vague with your kids. Don't tell them exactly when you're going to do something fun until it's the night before, and they won't see their other parent until afterwards. You don't need to feed the competition the narc imagines up.
Do not let them share private information about the narc with you. I ask my kids, "is this something you need to vent about, or are you just sharing your dad's private information? Because I don't care about his business, and I don't want to know. I only care about your business."
Whatever you do, if they insist on sharing, tune it out and give gray rock kind of responses. "Hm." "That sounds frustrating." "I'm sorry you had to listen to that." Change the subject as soon as possible.
Only give engaged feedback for discussions that don't involve their other parent's personal life. Basically, reward them emotionally for sharing their thoughts and lives, but not their parent's.
You can't go no contact, but you can do an information diet, both going and coming. Trust me, it will make your relationship with your kids infinitely better.
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