NutWrench, avatar

This is what bland, AI generated crap looks like, folks. But you can still make your own entertainment library. Buy an external hard drive and start a collection of your favorite movies/series (while you still can).

PolandIsAStateOfMind, avatar

This is what bland, AI generated crap looks like, folks

Except this is without AI, and it’s far from the only case. Looks like people really don’t need AI to be uninspired, the only thing it changes is the amount of labour put in the generation of that bland crap.


these are targeted at boomers who are already programmed to feel guilty about about any decision that effects profit margins.


I live in a small town in Vermont, my girlfriend grew up here but moved away to New York City and has recently returned. She hates Christmas and I love it. Ive been trying to get her into the Christmas spirit. We were picking a Christmas tree when i realized we’re literally following the plot of these stupid movies and i now i keep mentioning how i need her big city business skills to help save my Christmas themed bakery


When she finally starts to get it, that’s when Santa becomes real.

optimal, avatar

main character

ElBarto, avatar

Wealthy socialite Human Woman had it all, ceo of the top you feel bad magazine, house on top of building and even a tiny enslaved bark beast, the only thing Human Woman was missing was a chemical reaction.

Human Woman receives a electrical waveform, Human Woman’s Human Grandmother mush box has stopped, Human Woman emigrated in moving iron box to original location, meeting Human Man also from original location, chemical reaction happens and Human Woman And Human man become human Couple


I would watch a satire based on this.

ElBarto, avatar

The make you cry channel presents: Northern hemisphere winter solstice chemical reaction


fuck yeah.


You might enjoy “A Christmas Movie Christmas”, where the protagonists wake up and find themselves as the protagonists in a Christmas movie reality. It’s a comedy where you basically laugh at the troops while they call themselves out on it.

RiikkaTheIcePrincess, avatar

[Playful jokeness] The… troops? Whose military is invading Christmas-movie-land :o


I’ll give you a hint, there’s oil at the north pole.


watch the hallmark channel. you won’t tell the difference.


I recommend episode 3 of the Storylords podcast for a great horror version of these stupid Hallmark movies


but are they good




What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot?

!633 hallmark movies!<

CIA_Chatbot, avatar

Here’s a script idea:

Suzy Citygirl has to plan the perfect Christmas pageant or Bernard Bigbiz will fire her from her job at the Joyless Inc. Little does she know when she gets sent to Tinytown, Vermont on business she’ll meet Matty McSmall town. He owns the struggling local tinsel factory and needs to sell enough tinsel by Christmas or else his grandma won’t be allowed to have the surgery she needs to remove the tumor from her holiday spirt gland. Matty is also single dad that was widowed by a freak tinsel lathing accident and the little girl loves Sally Citygirl from the beginning and secretly helps her dad see past his pain.

With minutes to spare in the Christmas pageant/tumor deadline Suzy convinces Mr. Bigbiz to buy enough tinsel to save the Christmas pageant AND remove grandma’s tumor! But after throwing the perfect pageant she realizes Mr. Bigbiz is a terrible boss, and moves to Tinytown permanently. She falls in love with Matty, and gets a job at his tinsel factory. With her big business skills the struggling tinsel factory grows three sizes that day.

Mr. Bigbiz is ruined. He realizes the error of his ways and comes to Vermont to apologize. Now he too works at the tinsel factory, and loves life now. But don’t forget, throughout the movie the cast interacts with lovable bearded old man who may or may not be Santa, because wtf, why not?

Okokimup, avatar

I love how Suzy’s name changed at random.


I mean it’s Hallmark, is anything really of consequence?

CIA_Chatbot, avatar

During cold/flu season, I’m lucky the story came off even somewhat consistent lol.


You missed the best series of nonsense Christmas movies:

  • Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for Her to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for You to Come Home for Christmas
  • Time for Them to Come Home for Christmas

Yes these are legit hallmark movies.


So we’re still waiting for “Us” and “It” before we crack into the non-binary-centric pronouns, which we obviously won’t.

Cysioland, avatar

In the far distant future they just might, if it becomes profitable to do so


Is Time for It to Come Home for Christmas an Addams Family crossover?


Sports movie.

Static_Rocket, avatar

It’s the Thing, loosely disguised as one of the main characters from the previous movie but the plot works like groundhog day. Every misstep it makes ends in it dying to a flamethrower as it’s forced to comply with Hallmarks demands.


“Us” already exists


“Time for It To Come Home for Christmas” sounds vaguely ominous.


Not trying to be racist but it’s almost always a man and a woman who are both White - and probably a Black side character if they are feeling generous.


If they do have an interracial couple it’s always a black man with a white woman. Never the other way around.


gotta get that bbc.

British Broadcast Corporation - they’ll sure give Hallmark a run for their money.


The channel viewership is 99.999% overweight to obese older white women. This is functionally their porn.


They have ones with black protagonists, the white ones just have a few token black people, often for comic relief. This is TV for Karens essentially.


By and For Karens

ICastFist, avatar

Know your audience and whatnot

stinerman, avatar

Read that as “TV for Kansans” and it still fits.


Hollywood’s (meaning movie and TV producers in general) default is white and straight.

The hetero norm is changing slowly, but the white norm is still very much a thing. Typically for a movie to feature a predominantly POC cast, it’s directed by a POC and listed as a POC movie, rather than just… well, a movie.

aaronbieber, avatar

Santa Claus is my favorite pale male.


That would be the worst movie marathon ever!!



  • Loading...
  • AnonWyo,

    Of course. It lacks Joe Pesci “dressed like a chicken.”


    It could be interesting to cut all the movies into even pieces making one movie with the average runtime of all of them and see if it’s cohesive.


    Im down Too time consuming to do tho lol Maybe I could make a python script or something lol


    When you have that almost perfect Stable Diffusion prompt and you’re trying to figure out what you have to change to get it that last little bit.


    They look a lot like the identikit romance books my mum would read. Even she didn’t know which one’s she’d read before. Be like three quarters of the way in and then go “oh, I’ve read this”.

    Pretty sure ChatGPT could create those things by now, such is the limitless array of imagination on offer within.


    Amusing, but every Lee Child book is like that too! Still enjoyed them in a kinda brain-mush way

    norbert avatar

    I know some people like him but Dean Koontz might as well be filling out Mad Libs for all the originality in his stories. They're enjoyable enough for brain-mush but barely even qualify as "books."


    Christ I last read one of his in the 90s and thought the same! He must be just smearing wallpaper paste on the pages by now 😂


    They don’t need anything nearly as complicated as GPT LLMs . They already generate these scripts with a MS Word macro. It’s been like that for years.

    Once in a while the source dictionary is updated. They sell the scripts in lots of like 20 and charge for any customized work.

    I’m certain those books work the same way.

    If you can think of a way that reduces work and increases profits. They are already doing it.


    John Dillinger Triggered!


    Damn. Some very white Christmases in Hallmark land.


    My mother and sister fucking looooove these movies, despite how low effort cookie cutter they are. My favorite game while they’re watching is “count the POC.” The last one we saw together, I got to 1.


    What’s your high score?


    Also 1




    Do extras count, or do they need to have a speaking part?


    The Hallmark movies are mostly filmed in one of the whitest basic beige towns in British Columbia. It would be difficult to find someone. They do have an east Asian population but it’s small.


    If they ever need a black guy on set for whatever reason, give them my info

    I like free food

    norbert avatar

    And since you're already certified the paperwork will be a lot easier to push through.

    captainjaneway, avatar

    I love to just have them on, in the background. These movies are self-aware. The Netflix equivalent has its own universe with internal references to each other, which includes fake countries, maps, etc. I’m no joke invested in the Netflix Christmas-verse or whatever the fuck.

    Hallmark is a little less fun to watch, but still quality rubbish. Everyone knows it’s over the top. The actors, producers, and writers are all in on it. I’m not saying that makes them good. They are still bad. But when you watch them knowing the content is almost intentionally cringe, it’s a bit better. With a slight shift in perspective and perhaps a bit of squinting, you can see the Christmas overtures as nothing more than satire. Last year, one movie just threw in a vague reference to Santa. No beard. No glasses. Just a guy who wore a red coat and occasionally would get 1-3 seconds on camera breaking the fourth wall. He had like one line. No gifts. No reindeer. Never interacting with the Christmas Couple. Just essentially an old dude in red. To me, that’s the height of humor. It’s like they’re just wafting a single sprig of holly over the film in the editing room. I crack up every time.

    ICastFist, avatar

    Here’s a fun drinking game: one shot each time a new white character appears. Happy coma!

    ares35 avatar

    they would never dare disrupt the cash cow with gays or queers, or atheists or 'non christians', or a realistic portrayal of a poor or homeless person, or too many brown persons.


    I don’t know why they would do that if it’s not what the audience wants

    xhieron, avatar

    And it’s beginning to snow. 🎶

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